Sunday, January 30, 2011

you're addicted to love

You search for love outside yourself when love is all around you. Love is everywhere, but you need to have the eyes to see.  don Miguel Ruiz


i felt this was appropriate considering that valentine's day is almost upon us.  i love v-day.  i can't help it.  i love the gifts, i love the colors, i love the cards, i love the love.  

as a kid, v-day was a family day.  everyone got a valentine and we got to open it around the table (i have the best and most thoughtful mom ever).  

my dad however, was not so thoughtful.  he didn't conform to the traditional notions of love and thoughtfulness.  in his mind, if he bought you a blow dryer, then that counted as all gifts for the rest of the year.  he just didn't get it.  although, on valentines day of 1999, he came home with 2 red gift bags, each with perfume in them for my mother and myself.  he really was coming around in that last year.  i think he was learning to be at peace with himself.   i think it was hard for him to express his love for us because he spent a lot of time hating himself.   

i'd like to think that his eyes were opened. i was very grateful for a gift that was thoughtful (and not practical).  i was grateful that he had the insight to actually walk into a department store and purchase something for us, without having to be prompted and with the pure intention of expressing his love and appreciation for us.   i always knew he loved me.  but i needed to see it.  

that's what valentine's day is about for me.  do i whine if i'm single over v-day? sure.  but ultimately, i end up reminiscing about the adorable cards i get from my mom, friends, and my nieces and nephews.  i remember that i am loved.  

the idea that you must love yourself in order to love others is a little more difficult.  i often feel undeserving of the love i receive from others, but then feel resentful when i actually get it.  

damn you human condition.  

so, the challenge is to love yourself unconditionally and allow others to do the same.  it's difficult, but it can be done.  i think most people get stuck on the things that they don't like about themselves and then conclude that they don't love themselves because of these things.  that's just an excuse.  

i've used that one before.  "but how do i love myself when i...don't?

the reality is that love is available all the time, in spite of those things that we wish we could change.  or in my case, in spite of myself.  it doesn't matter how much i resist, it's always there....when i'm ready to see it.  

love and like are not the same thing to me.  besides, the information i receive from my life is that i'm lovable whether i like myself or not.  

so i might as well enjoy it right?   

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

let it go man.

Release the need to be right. When you believe something, you assume you are right. and you may even destroy relationships in order to defend your position.Let go of the need to defend your position.  --don Miguel Ruiz


i have been sick.  like rolling-around-moaning-stumble-to-the-bathroom-cry-when-i-swallow-because-it-hurts-so-bad sick.  

why is this important?  well, because it's given me time to think.  a lot.  i've also made a ton of crafty stuff, messed with my blogs, watched movies, and taken a lot of naps. 

but mostly, i've been thinking. 

i'm thinking about everything. my life, my situation, my relationships, my incredible stubbornness.  mostly, what i may be missing out on because of this stubbornness. 

i know i'm not the only one who's guilty for this intense need to have all the information.   this need for control, this need to be right.  nobody likes to be wrong.  it makes us feel stupid, it makes us feel worthless, and it can feed that "i can't do anything right" attitude that some of us hold. 

but what would happen if we opened our minds to the possibility that there are a million different kinds of right in this world? that our relationships aren't worth sacrificing for the sake of having the last word?

there are a few people (okay, only one person) that i'd like to speak to, mostly to apologize. 

but the problem is that they (this person) won't talk to me.  go figure. 

i can't say i blame them (this person). 

so in case you ever read this, i'm sorry.  i miss you.  i hope one day you'll sit down and have a conversation with me. 

and if not, that's okay too.  just know that i'm available for that. 

Friday, January 14, 2011

spaceballs: the search for more money

more money, more things.  and the continued pursuit of more money and more things. i find myself feeling disheartened more than i feel happy. i'm a tad disappointed in most people at the moment.  when i'm aware, it reminds me to be mindful of my feelings, figure out why i'm so displeased, and see if i can change it.

but i suffer from "nothing is ever going to change syndrome." or NIEGTCS, if you will.

**haha, try and read that out loud. i did and totally cracked myself up.**

people seem to be demonstrating an overwhelming sense of entitlement, selfishness and complete lack of consideration for others, all in this pursuit of getting more.  more what? it doesn't matter. things.  power.  control. 

i find myself suffering from it too.  from the client who thinks he/she shouldn't have to pay for anything, to the complete lack of tolerance/understanding of differences (religious and political), to the resistance of positive change, people lying about intentions when attempting to gain stuff, power, and control. sometimes i feel like all i do is complain about what is going on around me.  i can't tell you how many times i say, "i hate everyone."  i yell at people in my car, i feel rage when someone doesn't use their turn signal.

funny thing happened....the more i see it, the more i participate in it.  i need stuff.  i need power. i need control.

i then become entitled, selfish, and find myself having no consideration of others. i disappoint myself really.

and then, the dalai lama updates his facebook and tells me how to solve this problem:

In contemporary life, humility is more important than ever. The more successful we become, both as individuals and as a family, through our development of science and technology, the more essential it becomes to preserve humility. For the greater our material achievements, the more vulnerable we become to pride and arrogance.  --Dalai Lama

back to the basics people. gratitude, honesty, acceptance, humility (i think we often forget that last one).

because the more entitled and selfish i become, the more i forget what my purpose is.  i really don't think i was put here to have "things". 

i think my purpose is to have experiences.

i am so blessed right now.  i have been for my entire life. because i have always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people to laugh at (i mean with...*shifty eyes*), and family and friends that love me. 

oh yeah, and i have several coach bags. they complete me.

just kidding!

sort of....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

it's not that i'm lazy...it's that i just don't care...

I feel that the moment you adopt a sense of caring for others, it brings you inner strength. Inner strength brings inner tranquility, greater self-confidence. Because of such attitudes, even when things going on around you seem hostile and negative, you can still sustain your peace of mind.
  --Dalai Lama

i think i've mentioned (a time or two) that i'm a therapist.  currently, i'm not working as a therapist.  because for a while there i was suffering from something called campassion fatigue.  basically it means that someone (a therapist) begins to care too much, they get over-loaded, and then they start to not care about those around them.  or about anything really.  i didn't care about anything. as a social worker (my current job title), i'm lucky to get paid to care.

**i am so fortunate to have the job i have now.
the university knew what it was doing.** 

so caring is kiiiiiiind of important. but i think we've all had those moments where we think "but i don't care about this."  anyone who has met me knows that this happens often.

i don't care about a lot of things.

i know how to cook but i don't care to.

i know how to make my bed every day, but i don't care to.

i get pissed about things i hear on the news but i don't care enough to do anything about it.

there are many things that i will be paying others to do for me in the future because i don't care to do them. clean my house, wash my car (okay, i currently do this one).

let's not forget the things i already pay others to do. i live in a condo where i pay fees so someone else has to do the landscaping. others remove my garbage and maintain my building.

i'm really quite spoiled. 

i've become, like most people, quite self involved and self serving.  because along with all this not caring about stuff, came the ability to not care about some human beings.

i know, that sounds bad.  but i really got to the place where i only had energy to care about my own well being. as i'm working my way back, i'm noticing what i was missing out on.   and the only way i know to deal with a problem is to acknowledge it, learn, and move on.

what i was lacking was basic human connection.  that coupled with a complete disconnect with myself, lead to me really missing out on a huge chunk of time. now as i help people (not in such large doses), i'm beginning to feel more and more of that connection. it's helping me to feel better about what i'm doing and increasing the desire to be available for others.

i still launch into dissatisfaction and annoyance as fast as ever. but i've challenged myself to sit and think about why i'm irritated and to meet that irritation with understanding. most of the time, i'm nervous about the situation or someone i *gasp* care about is being hurt.  or someone is just being a big dummy.  either way, i figure it out.

what's that you say? i'm not dead inside?  who knew!?  just kidding.  i always knew, i just wasn't paying attention.

what this cute man says about inner tranquility is right for me.  giving service, caring about others, connection is what leads us to peace and contentment. that is... if we're doing it thoughtfully and are mindful of our intentions. 

i don't know about ya'll, but i could always use some peace and contentment. :)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

the don has spoken

Forgive others. Forgiveness is the only way to heal your emotional wounds. Forgive those who hurt you not matter what they've done because you don't want to hurt yourself every time you remember what they did.  When you can touch a wound and it doesn't hurt, then you know you have truly forgiven. 

-don Miguel Ruiz

in light of the new year and making resolutions and such, one of my personal resolutions was to let go of guilt, embarrassment, and fear.  i should add more.

to forgive.  to forgive whoever.  those who i think have hurt me, those who i think have made stupid decisions, my apartment building for not having a pool.  you know, the important things. 

and for those of us who love to swim in our suffering, just know that what he says is true. every time we allow ourselves to get angry over something that happened in the past, we do ourselves physical harm.  we make ourselves sick.  

anyone have stress headaches? ME!
anyone get indigestion when they're anxious? ME!
anyone have to get their gall bladder removed because they couldn't express themselves fully? ME!

it does so much damage. 

don't get me wrong.  if you're angry about something, be angry.  but understand the fine line between processing and stewing.  

there's a big difference.  

i had a very good friend about 10 years ago, best friend even, who didn't call me when my dad died.  rude huh? 

i let that eat me up. first off, who doesn't call their best friend when their dad dies (okay, i may not be over it)? really? 

and secondly, were we not that good of friends? this prospect hurt more than anything. not only had i lost my dad, but i feared that this relationship that was very important to me was going away.  and it did, my fears were confirmed.  

but it's okay. i spent a lot of time feeling resentment towards this person.  but this person had moved right along with life.  so there i was, feeling badly, and there was no one to feel bad with me.  i was damaging myself. 

we often do this when we have expectations on other's behavior. if a good friend of mine lost their dad, i'd be there in a second. i don't know if this person was okay with death. i don't' know if this person even knew what to say.  i based my bad feelings all on assumptions.  

and like shannon says, "stop the assumings!!"  

forgive. let go.  you're not hurting the person who hurt you. you're hurting yourself.  sure it's easier said than done, but who said anything was easy?  

the only thing i find to be easy lately, is driving through the mcdonald's for a large diet coke.  easy as pie.  


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

grow from love...

...screw the world.  -first wives club


back to the point of this post: LOVE!


Be aware of the quality of your communication. The quality of the communication depends on whether you tune your emotional body to love or to fear. If you know what love is and what fear is, you become aware of the way you communicate your dream to others, and you can choose to communicate with love.


-don Miguel Ruiz

choose to communicate with love rather than fear. AND be aware of your feelings? because this affects how you treat others?


i think i understood that right.  

i don't think many of us know we make this choice about a million times a day.  each one affects ourselves and those around us and influences our emotional being.

my aunt jeneal died.  she was a perfectly fine woman.  i remember going to her house when i was little and begging her to give me a ride home from school.  i remember the little crocheted dolls that she used to make. they were mini, not just small.  they were tiny, under 4 inches.  with micro booties and underwear even.

but this is all i know about her. because somewhere along the way, my dad and my aunt got mad at each other and decided to stop talking to each other. it was like, 'i hate you and i'm not talking to you until i diiiiiiiiieeeeeee."  i tried to type that as dramatic as i could. did it come out that way?


because that's how they acted.  overly dramatic, "if you don't agree with me or fight with me, then you are dead to me." 

now they have all died.  there were five of them, none of them were good at communicating. not even communicating badly.  just bad at communicating period.  i sure hope they're making up up there because i have to say, that it was a little ridiculous. 

it was so stupid.

i wonder what would have happened if each of them had learned to communicate with honesty and love rather than judgement and bitterness.  there was a touch of self-righteousness in there as well. that didn't help matters. 

i'd have to say that most grudges, arguments, and miscommunication comes from the fear of not being good enough. if you think that someone will judge you (this matters when you don't like yourself very much), i imagine that you may do what is necessary to protect yourself.  maybe it's a loss of control too.  a combo deal perhaps?

not feeling good enough (fear)  + the need to be in control (fear) = really stupid behavior (more fear)

of course there are some circumstances in which you would choose to not communicate with someone because you love yourself.  but how often are things really that bad?  and do you even know what you're mad about? 99% of the time, we're not mad about what we think we're mad about.

all i know is that i hope my dad and his siblings (and possibly parents, i have no idea where their amazing abilities to remain angry came from) finally realize that most of their arguments were petty and dumb.  i hope they can appreciate other now. i hope that they are sorry for the things they said and did.

i hope they now value themselves enough to finally value each other.

i kind of wish it didn't take them all DYING for it to happen, but whatever.

and as cousin what's-his-name said to me today, "i really miss your dad."

me too.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

dear university,

thank you for ringing in 2011.  i have to say, after 2 days in, so far so good.  let's just keep up the momentum okay?

it would be awesome if the happy things kept happening! and i wouldn't hate you if you wanted to make them even happier...if ya catch my drift. *wink wink*

love,
kami