which universe am i actually in?

the one i want to be or the one i think i should be? i'm not so sure these days. most of the time i am running around crazy like, forgetting things like i have 9 children. i assure you, i have no children. i can also assure you, that my brain does not work the way i think it should. which leads me back to my original question: where am i and how did i get here?

i'm confused.

there are parts i like. and then there are parts that i dislike. but are things this way because i made them this way, or is there an important lesson i'm supposed to learn (that i'm obviously not getting, hence the perpetual 'dear-in-headlights' look on my face) that i'm missing specifically?

choosing the universe in which i want to reside has proved to be a little difficult. nothing turns out the way i think it will, which leads me to question my whole "your life can be however you want it" philosphy. but if i didn't believe in this, what would i believe in? i have no idea. i have to believe in something, because the alternative isn't very appealing. believing in nothing makes no sense to me either. what i was taught as a child didn't fit, and there are some things i have learned as an adult that i can throw out. and now i'm rambling. sorry, i'm sunburnt and tired and really really don't want to go to work tomorrow. so naturyally, i decided to blog because it's the easiest way to get out of thinking about actually going to bed....

which universe am i in? there are several options that i can see at this point.
1. life is a test. truthfully, i've never fully bought this.

2. life is what you make of it. welllll, okay.

3. life's a bitch and then you die. this i can probably get on board with, easily these days.

4. life happens and you make the best of it. meh. like, natural disasters happen and we deal with those. this fits there. but there are so many other obstacles that people create for themselves. so this only applies in certain situations.

and my personal favorite these days....

5. i want their life. mine isn't good enough.

i'm sure there are more, these are just the few that i've operated under. recently, i've been catching myself thinking "i want a different life." have you ever talked to someone who thinks about driving his car into a ditch? or wishes for some other kind of life altering event? no i'm not suicidal, that's not what i'm saying. i have thought about those life altering events though. it doesn't hgave to be driving my car into a ditch. it could be winning the lottery. these are just examples, it could be anything. but i do think that having a "i want a different life" attitude lends itself to wishing for death. just something to think about.

anyway, back to wanting a different life. different how? i'm sure that it would include being thin, beautiful, and rich. and possibly not having to work full time. and an abundance of diet coke that IS good for your body. but now that i've thought about it, all i know is that i want a different life. not that this one isn't good enough....

my 'self help' education tells me that if i want something, i can make it happen. it also says that if i focus on the lack of whatever it is i desire, then this also hinders it's arrival. it also says to FEEL GOOD NOW. (except that i don't, this one is hard for me). so basically, i feel like i'm screwed either way. the more time i spend being sad about something i don't have, the further and further i push it away. but if i'm being emotionally honest with myself, i would say, "i'm feeling sad about ...blah blah blah." it's a catch 22.

so lately, the universe i've been occupying has not helped me to feel good, nor has it been providing me with what i want. i don't like that. i really don't buy into the whole 'life is a test' or 'life sucks and then you die' mentality. i really do think that life is what you make of it. the problem i'm having is feeling good about the life i have NOW, when it's not necessarily the life that i want.

phew. even after i read this again, i still don't make sense. does anyone understand or am i just talkin' nonsense?

i guess i need an attitude adjustment.

NEW ATTITUDE! isn't that a song?