I ALWAYS get asked how people get over things. Let me tell ya, there was no class on "teaching clients to let go of things" in college. If there was, I would have taught it to everyone I know, and used it myself. Or I would have changed it just a little, gave it a new name and made a bajillion dollars.

"How do I let *it* go?" Some people think that there is a magic formula or a series of steps that you go through, one after the other, and then you're done. I guess you could do it this way, but I don't think it will pertain to every situation. Other people get mad when you don't have the answer they want. Other clients get angry when they realize that they had the answer all along. Which is this: You will let go when your mind, body, and soul say that it's time.

You choose to let go when you're ready.

Personally, I can attest that this is true. My version of letting go often includes ignorance and isolation, which only make the problem worse. The next thing I know I'm having a mental breakdown because the guy at the McDonalds got my drink order wrong. Or maybe that's just me. Anyways, this is true. Being a Balmforth, I can see how this trait has been passed down to me. I can also see it in all my family members as well. However, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing that we are all so stubborn. Being stubborn also means that we assert ourselves and we protect the ones we love.

But what are the circumstances when my own stubbornness has added to the suffering that I was trying to avoid in the first place? EVERYTHING! I'm one of the most stubborn people I know. Not in every case, but certainly more times than not.
Sometimes I do think that I have had something implanted in my brain, so that people know what I'm thinking and what I'm struggling with. Turns out it's just the Law of Attraction. Who knew? The University knew I have having a hard time with this and dropped this little tidbit into my inbox.

"8 Ways to Stop Holding a Grudge." (beliefnet.com)

Hmm. What am I to think about this? So I asked myself some questions:

Am I holding a grudge currently? Yes.
Is it negatively affecting my life? Yes.
Is it something that I can live without? Yes.

Eff that.

Acknowledge the Problem
Figure out what it is that's causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue, you can then make a choice to move forward from there.

As you read these, you're going to notice that we all know how to do these things when our lives are going well. This one is obvious. However, even the simplest of things are rocket science when we are upset.

Share Your Feelings
A grudge can form when an issue isn't fully confronted. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involve the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and are able to resolve the problem.


I HATE this one. My fellow therapists can attest, that trying to share your feelings with someone who is not a therapist, or who doesn't know how to actively listen, or who gets offended easily, SUCKS. Too many times, people offer me advice, tell me I should be grateful, or immediately get defensive and tell me everything I’m doing wrong when we're not addressing that issue. My biggest pet peeve is when people then tell you that your life is great and that you have nothing to be upset about. "Just be grateful you're not ME." GAH. That drives me nuts. It bothers me so much, that I don't share as much as I should. Because sometimes it can be such a hassle.

Switch Places
To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question is in a lot of pain. This doesn't justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is to not let go of a grudge.

When we are taking a look at our own resentments, how easy is it to see someone else's point of view? Do we even want to see that view? Maybe that's the first question we should ask. I'll be the first to admit that there are times that I don't care about the other person's point of view. Because I'm hurting and that's all I can see at the moment. I think that comes in time, if you let it.

Accept What Is
Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don't wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don't offer an apology, it doesn't mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.

It is what it is.

Don't Dwell On It
Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don't put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.

Chances are high that we don't have all the information. There are some people in my life who I will never understand. And that's okay. Everyone's different. And sometimes different is weird. But that doesn’t make it wrong. I can either be mad (without them knowing or giving a crap) or I can more on.

Look at the Bright Side
For every negative situation there is a positive. If you take this as a learning experience, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself and the other person. Choose to learn a valuable lesson or walk away with a better understanding that can help you let go of the issue and not resent the other person.

YAY! This is when we do get to look at all the good things in life! I don't know about you, but I have several great things going on in my life right now. I have a tendency to forget about them when I'm feeling down, but they're there and they're not going anywhere. Whenever I'm sad, one of my favorite things to re-read all the funny stuff my mom says. It takes me right back to the moment she said it, who we were with, and how funny we thought it was.

Let It Go
Letting go allows room for peace and happiness. A long lasting grudge will only drain you physically and emotionally and can surely affect your health. You will use more energy than you can imagine by holding a grudge than you will by letting go.

There have been a number of times when someone has asked me how to do this and I say, "I don't know, you just do it." There's no secret. When we're tired of being miserable, then we stop.

Forgive
Of course, forgiving doesn't mean you will forget the issue. It's just acknowledging your differences and accepting that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes we should learn from. Forgiving isn't the easiest to do especially when you've endured a lot of hurt and pain, but it's the only way to truly let go and have peace.

Notice that this last one doesn't say we get the exact outcome we wanted. This just means that I accept that sometimes I don't know best, and the University is aligning to give me what I truly want, which is peace and happiness. And as we all know, true forgiveness is not for the one who committed the offense.