there are moments as a therapist where i wonder if anyone listens to me at all. and then, ta-da!  someone who was practically forced to be my client (they have no choice really when they're court mandated) reappears to tell me how great he/she is doing.

the world makes sense again and i'm reminded why in the heck i do this kind of work.

and it helps the ego too.  just sayin'.

i CAN therapatize myself!

People often expect the other person to respond first in a positive way, instead of taking the initiative to create that possibility. I feel that's wrong; it can act as a barrier that just promotes a feeling of isolation from others. To overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness, your underlying attitude makes a tremendous difference – approaching others with the thought of  compassion in your mind is the best way.  - Dalai Lama

so wise he is.

i like talking like yoda.

having expectations of our loved ones is something we all do. if i tell my mom that i'm having a bad day, i expect that she take care of me.

but what about those other things that are hard to talk about?

did i mention that i'm a therapist that often struggles with being emotionally honest with those around her?  i am. it's really difficult.  for a few reasons:

1. i feel i should know the answer already.
2. i don't like getting told what to do. i have had a few experiences where i try to be open and honest about what is going on with me, and the person i'm telling stops listening to me and starts telling that i don't need to be feeling that way and what i should do to fix it. 
3. i don't like hearing that i shouldn't feel a certain way because "so and so" has it soooo much worse that me. "just be grateful you're not me....her....that other person who's having a problem of some kind."

#3 happens to be my biggest pet peeve ever.  it's the easiest way to shut me down. so now you know the secret if you ever want me to shut up. hehe.

#2 and #3 really are the result of love. the people in my life feel bad when i feel bad and want that to stop. it's a natural thing.

i'm completely guilty of all three of these things. i've done them, i try not to. but we're talking about me here. :)

these past experiences have left kind of a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to expressing myself.  i now expect (see what i did there!) that whoever i'm telling will do something like this and i convince myself that it's just easier to suffer in silence. all the while, building resentment because i then feel as though no one cares about me or what's going on with me. because i won't talk about it....gah! it's a vicious cycle. 

(ps. what makes cycles vicious?  can we just call them 'unfortunate'? i'm not dying for crying out loud)

i expect people to react a certain way, and i end feeling disappointed because that's what i expected in the first place.

so what he's saying is: create a new experience. have faith in those around you. i've had several other experiences where i've been very open and have been given nothing but understanding and love.

a new thing that we all could try is finding a way to feel compassion for those who are hurting because we are. i often don't call my mom to tell her about hard times because she cries.

she cries because she loves me. but then i cry because she's crying and i'm crying right now becasue i'm thinking about her crying and my mom crying is the worst worst worst thing to experience for me.

but if we can all remember that it's all from love, then maybe crying isn't such a bad thing. as a therapist, i try to make people cry because it's real and it's very hard to deny your feelings when you're having such a significant emotional experience. maybe that's what we're trying to avoid all along.

hmm...i just had a thought. maybe people set the expectations to get out of being emotionally honest. maybe my expectation of disappointment is really about me and my fear of emotional honesty.

you know what that means? 1, 2, AND 3 are cop-outs.

i just blew your mind, i know.

i heart this guy

Dalai Lama

Even our physical structure seems more suited to feelings of love and compassion. We can see how a calm, affectionate, wholesome state of mind benefits our health and physical well-being. Conversely, the feelings of frustration, fear, agitation, and anger can be destructive to our health.  This is why we are impelled to seek happiness.

first off, i had to look up the word 'impelled'.  got that now.

it's no secret that this guy's a favorite of mine. look at his happy face!

i mean really folks.  i don't care what you believe in, that's the happiest lil' guy i've ever seen.  and all he wants us to do if friggin' relax already and do what our bodies were meant to do. just be happy. feel content. be grateful for what we have. treat each other with kindness and respect.

i grew up thinking life was a "test".  my struggles were sent to see how i handled them and, more importantly, what i learned.  when something bad happened, i it was for my own good. i thought that life was supposed to be hard. 

i'm wondering now how much my life was hard because i thought life was supposed to be hard as opposed to what it really is: an experience.  

i made a lot of things more difficult because of this belief, and i could have saved myself from a ton of grief.  hey, that rhymed.

i am not always able to do this. i complain a LOT. just ask anyone who gets long ranty emails from me in the middle of the day when i want to go postal. i still complain that life is "hard" and i'm tired of all the "tests".  but after i pull myself out of that (if i'm able to), it's so much easier to approach life this new way.

nothing is good or bad, it just is. and no matter what happens to me, i'm not the first person to go through it and i won't be the last.

man, i got off track again. he makes me think.  i try not to do that much, as it tends to make my head hurt.

back to the brilliance. i think i've talked about a book called feelings buried alive never die. this quote made me think of it. i do agree that if we don't take care of ourselves, our feelings manifest physically.

my favorite part of this idea is that human beings were not built to suffer. we were meant to be happy and calm. when we're not, we become sick.

when i feel anxious, i get sick to my stomach.  when i feel stressed out or overwhelmed, i get headaches and really tired.  i also get really tired when i'm sad.  it's like my body smacks me on the back of the head to get me to pay attention.

it doesn't always get my attention quickly and i often figure it out in hindsight, but i always come around in the end.

we'll always have those things that are out of our control. people die, we lose things that are important to us, natural disasters. but i've seen people even take these tragic things and turn them into experiences rather than perpetuating that "bad things always happen to us" attitude. 

their lives must be so much easier than mine.  hehe. :)

and just for fun, dave matthews and the dalai lama.

ahhh, that's good stuff right there peeps.

ships to the relations...

Dalai Lama

Hatred, jealousy and excessive attachment cause suffering and agitation. I feel compassion can help us overcome these disturbances and let us return to a calm state of mind. Compassion is not just being kind to your friend. That involves attachment because it is based on expectation. Compassion is when you do something good without any expectations – based on realizing that “the other person is also just like me”.

i get updates from the dalai lama on my facebook.  he's so hip and with it these days. in true 'university' style, it always aligns with the thoughts that have been most recently running through my head.

most recently, relationships. 

romantic, platonic, whatever.  it doesn't matter, they're all relationships.  the lady at the mcdonald's who hands me my diet coke every morning, we're in a relationship. and guess what? if she were to suddenly disappear, i'd miss her. 

the part of the quote that particularly struck a chord with me was the idea of excessive attachment.  i interpret this (because of my training) to mean enmeshment or perhaps some form of co-dependency.

i don't like the term "codependency." it gets thrown around a lot when people are describing their relationship problems.  it's actually a term that originates from the substance abuse arena, used to describe the behavior of the enabler in the addict's life. 

it does NOT mean that you're too dependent on your partner.  it does NOT mean that you rely too much on each other.

sorry, that just bugs me when people throw that term out there without knowing what it actually means. one of my pet peeves.

moving on. 

back to excessive attachment.  i heard dr. phil once say that we should never get into a relationship that we couldn't afford to lose. 

at first, i didn't understand what he was saying.  i interpreted it to mean that we don't allow ourselves to be completely open, that we protect ourselves from fully investing in our relationships. 

i know now that's not what he meant. 

what that means (to me) is that no matter what our relationship status, we should be okay. able to handle our lives, continue living. if someone walks away from me, i don't die.  and if i think i'm going to DIE without someone, then i'd say i'm getting way to close to the edge there. 

enmeshment literally means to entangle. it can happen in romantic relationships, paternal/maternal relationships, even friendships. i think this is what people are thinking about when they believe they're being "codependent." 

sorry, i can't let it go. it drives me nuts.  

enmeshed people are those who cannot function independently.  man, how many couples do we know like this? how many parent/child relationships do we see like this? i see it quite a bit, but my perception may be skewed as i work with them for a living....

when i see a person who is excessively attached to another, i have to wonder if they're basing their worth as a human being on that relationship.  i wonder if they like themselves, or if they enjoy spending time alone. i wonder if they have friends outside of this relationship and if they make it a point to spend time apart. i wonder if they know who they are.

i wonder a lot of things.

the opposite of the spectrum are those people who prefer to be alone, where no one is good enough for them. 

these people have a hard time with relationships because they're afraid of losing their independence.  *shifty eyes*  i've met a lot of men who do this.  for women, i've noticed it's more of a "i don't let other people tell me what to do" mentality.  of course, this is very general. it could also be that one is very difficult to get along with and NO one wants to date them.  just sayin'. 

i suppose the key is balance.  finding a way to relate with those around you while maintaining your individuality. allowing yourself to commit with the understanding that no matter what happens, you will get through it. supporting each other's individuality. that's it. something like that.

the second part of the quote talks about compassion and doing things with no expectations.  considering it's the christmas season, what better time to be kind to those around you, even if they're not kind to you?

i used to work in a halfway house and my clients would complain about how some of the guards would treat them. they'd whine and complain about how "unfair" life is and how just because they "made a mistake" people treat them like crap.

to which i asked them, "what do you get out of this?"  i asked them what was achieved by them harboring the negativity, holding onto the anger, spewing out bad energy and contributing to the negative vibe around that place. 

no one really had an answer, other than they felt justified in their anger. but what good does that do? does it "hurt" the guard because you're mad at him and you think he's an a-hole? no. does it make you feel better about your situation? no. do you feel good now? no.

so what's the point?

just to feel bad i guess.  no one seems to come up with a different answer. it doesn't matter who you ask or what their situation is.

compassion: being kind with no expectation of anything in return.

this is when i told my clients to be sincerely respectful to the guards with no expectations.  they did NOT like this suggestion. but really, what else was in their control other than their behavior, thoughts, and feelings?  NOTHING.  because they're just like the rest of us. this is all any of us have control over.

i heard some great stories about how attitudes and feelings changed. the moment they became aware of what was coming out of their mouth, they changed it, and felt better about what was going on around them. all with no expectations of the guard's behavior.

in this instance it's not about getting someone to treat you differently.

it's about you.  it's about how you feel about yourself.  and chances are, if you're mistreating others, you're mistreating yourself as well.

i would have challenged the guards to do the same thing with the residents. although...they never asked about this particular issue. i can't imagine why... :)

in personal relationships, we do have expectations on how we should be treated. i would encourage anyone who believes that they're being mistreated to change their circumstances.

but how many times do you do something just because you're a nice person? i'm not as nice as i'd like, but i really enjoy doing things for others. it makes me feel happy.

i have fallen victim to the expectation of reciprocation though, and that just leads to resentment or that suffering and agitation he was referring to.

man, there's so much stuff in that one saying that i could go on and on forever. 

thank you dalai lama, you smarty pants you.

i predict...

you guys know that facebook application called "fortune cookie" that is supposed to give you your daily fortune?  i'm sure there are many, but the one i keep coming across SUCKS.  it sucks so bad that i felt the need to capitalize 'sucks.'

the reason it drives me batty is that it doesn't give you predictions.  it tells you stuff that you already know.

i guess you may not know that if you have no common sense. but i find that hard to believe for most people...most people...

my fortune cookie today tells me "none of the secrets of success will work unless you do."

really???  fortune cookies that lack fortunes are probably one of my biggest pet peeves.  if they're going to give advice, then they should be called "advice cookies."  or "things you should probably keep in mind cookies" or "don't be an idiot" cookies. 

hmmm....i have an idea brewing....(and speaking of fortune cookies, one time tonya and i went to a halloween party in maryland.  i had had trouble with the shirt i was wearing and asked her if it looked okay.  when we got to the party they had...goodness, i can't remember what they called them...misfortune cookies?  and mine said, "i can't believe you wore that shirt." no lie.)

that said, the sound piece of advice from this fortune cookie don't-be-an-idiot cookie reminds me of something i already know, but perhaps needed to be reminded of. 

i'm not talking about hard manual labor, but more the work that it takes to do something that may be new to you, like being open. like challenging beliefs.  like doing one thing different every day.

emotional work. mental work. don't work too hard though, or you'll get a headache.

relationships....shipsssss....

relationships. bah. i know right? it's just a topic that has presented itself over and over a bit lately so i thought i'd compile my completely unoriginal ideas all in one place. 

i have friends in relationships, friends looking for relationships, friends wanting to punch their significant others...just kidding.  sort of.

all kidding aside, the one question that keeps arising is "what is wrong with *me*?"

i have the most beautiful, talented, funny, smart and capable friends.  all of which would probably admit that they've tried to answer this question at one time or another. 

why does this question keep coming up?  because the same thing keeps happening over and over to everyone.  we get into a relationship, and then...it ends.  but WHY???  wahhhhhh!

the outcomes never change, because the approach never changes (we may say we're doing things differently, but old beliefs die hard peeps).  the old join-a-gym-get-a-haircut-rearrange-the-living-room-furniture-then-everything-will-be-better approach. doesn't really address the problem, does it?

how many times have you sent a friend a late-night text asking them to point out exactly what is wrong with you because your latest dating adventure didn't pan out? okay, maybe that's just me.  *shifty eyes*

or if you're really insecure, it's several late night texts. because when you're in that place, you're "the problem". he/she left because he/she didn't like YOU. he/she didn't want to be with YOU. there must be something wrong with YOU.  it's so clear. and to hear people talk about it, you can tell that they've convinced themselves that they aren't good enough for some yahoo they met 3 minutes ago. i've done it. every girl i know has done it. i'm sure dudes do it too.

did anyone watch the last season of "the bachelorette?" there was a part in the end where one of the three guys left ali for an old girlfriend and she had this breakdown on camera wondering what was wrong with her. apart from being incredibly bubbly there isn't anything wrong with her. she actually looks like a barbie and has a college degree.

can i just say that when that jerk left her that she still had two incredibly attractive and successful men waiting for her. she obviously loved this frank guy, which to this day, i still don't understand. really ali? at one point it was frank over chris? over roberto? REALLY? good thing she picked roberto because i was really beginning to wonder about her in the end. i'm still not convinced that frank is straight...he wears v-neck shirts with nothing underneath. like, looooow v-necks.  the only person who is allowed to do that (and is also straight) is simon cowell. because he has more money than god and can do whatever he wants. this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it just bothers me.  and it's my blog.

so what is wrong with her? or with anyone who's ever been dumped (hopefully not on national television)?

nothing. there is nothing wrong with anyone. simple eh?

i also got this from the guy at work. don't tell him though. i don't want him to know i learned anything from him (don't insinuate anything about my feelings towards him either, that ship sailed sunk shipwrecked loooooong ago.

i know what some people are thinking.  what does she mean that there's nothing wrong with anyone? well, there isn't. we are what we are. that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there that drive me nuts. it just means that we're fine the way we are and if someone doesn't love us, that has more to do with them than anything.

anyways, back to relationships and how does this possibly relate to the university?  in the secret it instructs people to make "room" for that lasting relationship. one example was the young lady who cleaned out half her closet and started sleeping on one side of the bed, in order to connect with the feeling of being in a relationship already.  ask, believe, receive and all that hoopla.

that's all fine and good. i'm all for being open and letting the university know you're lookin'.  there seems to be a piece missing though. but i don't think finding a relationship is hard.  now staying in one?  being your own person in one? finding a healthy partner?  those are different things entirely.

i've observed that people often end up in unhealthy relationships for few main reasons.

1. they can't stand being alone.
2. they're looking for someone to "complete" them (whatever that means).
3. they don't know what they want so they can't see it when it shows up.
4. they don't believe they deserve what they want so they make exceptions, sometimes at the risk of their own personal, mental, emotional, and sexual safety.  

it may be counter intuitive, but the first step to finding a lasting healthy relationship, is to be healthy yourself and sometimes this means spending some time alone.  challenge all those beliefs that are in your way.  don't know what they are? make a list.  what are your biggest barriers? i'll share mine.

it was me. i believed i wasn't good enough.  for what, i don't even know anymore. it was just combination of things that ultimately lead me to think that i didn't deserve what i wanted, which lead me to abusing myself for what? not being good enough. it's nuts.  i'm a work in progress and i regress often.

get to know yourself!  i'm sorry for all the analogies, but does everyone remember the movie "runaway bride" and how she didn't even know what kind of eggs she liked because she always ordered whatever her current boyfriend was ordering?  it's true!  figure out what kind of eggs you like for hell's sakes! take your time and learn to love yourself unconditionally. i'll admit, this is a hard one.

the second step is to figure out what the heck you want in a partner.

it looks like many people approach relationships  like that edgar allen poe story about the monkey paw. someone wishes for a loved one to come back to life but what they get is a crazy scary zombie version of that person? they act all surprised because the person wasn't brought back to them in perfect condition.  whaaa??

was the paw supposed to know that you wanted your loved one back in one piece or like, not dead? it grants wishes, it doesn't read your mind. it's going to take you literally.  as does the university. :)

if you're not CLEAR about the desire, then don't complain about the outcome. now if i say i want roberto and frank shows up, i can send him back because that's just not what i ordered.

how do you do this? who knows. journaling? list making? i'm a fan of sticky notes. fill pages up with all the wonderful things you want in a partner.  connect with that person even if they haven't materialized yet. they exist, they just haven't arrived.  when you get discouraged, look back at those pages and feel close to that person again.

easier said than done i know. everything on this blog is easier said than done.

not gonna lie. :)