relationships....shipsssss....

relationships. bah. i know right? it's just a topic that has presented itself over and over a bit lately so i thought i'd compile my completely unoriginal ideas all in one place. 

i have friends in relationships, friends looking for relationships, friends wanting to punch their significant others...just kidding.  sort of.

all kidding aside, the one question that keeps arising is "what is wrong with *me*?"

i have the most beautiful, talented, funny, smart and capable friends.  all of which would probably admit that they've tried to answer this question at one time or another. 

why does this question keep coming up?  because the same thing keeps happening over and over to everyone.  we get into a relationship, and then...it ends.  but WHY???  wahhhhhh!

the outcomes never change, because the approach never changes (we may say we're doing things differently, but old beliefs die hard peeps).  the old join-a-gym-get-a-haircut-rearrange-the-living-room-furniture-then-everything-will-be-better approach. doesn't really address the problem, does it?

how many times have you sent a friend a late-night text asking them to point out exactly what is wrong with you because your latest dating adventure didn't pan out? okay, maybe that's just me.  *shifty eyes*

or if you're really insecure, it's several late night texts. because when you're in that place, you're "the problem". he/she left because he/she didn't like YOU. he/she didn't want to be with YOU. there must be something wrong with YOU.  it's so clear. and to hear people talk about it, you can tell that they've convinced themselves that they aren't good enough for some yahoo they met 3 minutes ago. i've done it. every girl i know has done it. i'm sure dudes do it too.

did anyone watch the last season of "the bachelorette?" there was a part in the end where one of the three guys left ali for an old girlfriend and she had this breakdown on camera wondering what was wrong with her. apart from being incredibly bubbly there isn't anything wrong with her. she actually looks like a barbie and has a college degree.

can i just say that when that jerk left her that she still had two incredibly attractive and successful men waiting for her. she obviously loved this frank guy, which to this day, i still don't understand. really ali? at one point it was frank over chris? over roberto? REALLY? good thing she picked roberto because i was really beginning to wonder about her in the end. i'm still not convinced that frank is straight...he wears v-neck shirts with nothing underneath. like, looooow v-necks.  the only person who is allowed to do that (and is also straight) is simon cowell. because he has more money than god and can do whatever he wants. this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it just bothers me.  and it's my blog.

so what is wrong with her? or with anyone who's ever been dumped (hopefully not on national television)?

nothing. there is nothing wrong with anyone. simple eh?

i also got this from the guy at work. don't tell him though. i don't want him to know i learned anything from him (don't insinuate anything about my feelings towards him either, that ship sailed sunk shipwrecked loooooong ago.

i know what some people are thinking.  what does she mean that there's nothing wrong with anyone? well, there isn't. we are what we are. that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there that drive me nuts. it just means that we're fine the way we are and if someone doesn't love us, that has more to do with them than anything.

anyways, back to relationships and how does this possibly relate to the university?  in the secret it instructs people to make "room" for that lasting relationship. one example was the young lady who cleaned out half her closet and started sleeping on one side of the bed, in order to connect with the feeling of being in a relationship already.  ask, believe, receive and all that hoopla.

that's all fine and good. i'm all for being open and letting the university know you're lookin'.  there seems to be a piece missing though. but i don't think finding a relationship is hard.  now staying in one?  being your own person in one? finding a healthy partner?  those are different things entirely.

i've observed that people often end up in unhealthy relationships for few main reasons.

1. they can't stand being alone.
2. they're looking for someone to "complete" them (whatever that means).
3. they don't know what they want so they can't see it when it shows up.
4. they don't believe they deserve what they want so they make exceptions, sometimes at the risk of their own personal, mental, emotional, and sexual safety.  

it may be counter intuitive, but the first step to finding a lasting healthy relationship, is to be healthy yourself and sometimes this means spending some time alone.  challenge all those beliefs that are in your way.  don't know what they are? make a list.  what are your biggest barriers? i'll share mine.

it was me. i believed i wasn't good enough.  for what, i don't even know anymore. it was just combination of things that ultimately lead me to think that i didn't deserve what i wanted, which lead me to abusing myself for what? not being good enough. it's nuts.  i'm a work in progress and i regress often.

get to know yourself!  i'm sorry for all the analogies, but does everyone remember the movie "runaway bride" and how she didn't even know what kind of eggs she liked because she always ordered whatever her current boyfriend was ordering?  it's true!  figure out what kind of eggs you like for hell's sakes! take your time and learn to love yourself unconditionally. i'll admit, this is a hard one.

the second step is to figure out what the heck you want in a partner.

it looks like many people approach relationships  like that edgar allen poe story about the monkey paw. someone wishes for a loved one to come back to life but what they get is a crazy scary zombie version of that person? they act all surprised because the person wasn't brought back to them in perfect condition.  whaaa??

was the paw supposed to know that you wanted your loved one back in one piece or like, not dead? it grants wishes, it doesn't read your mind. it's going to take you literally.  as does the university. :)

if you're not CLEAR about the desire, then don't complain about the outcome. now if i say i want roberto and frank shows up, i can send him back because that's just not what i ordered.

how do you do this? who knows. journaling? list making? i'm a fan of sticky notes. fill pages up with all the wonderful things you want in a partner.  connect with that person even if they haven't materialized yet. they exist, they just haven't arrived.  when you get discouraged, look back at those pages and feel close to that person again.

easier said than done i know. everything on this blog is easier said than done.

not gonna lie. :)