ships to the relations...

Dalai Lama

Hatred, jealousy and excessive attachment cause suffering and agitation. I feel compassion can help us overcome these disturbances and let us return to a calm state of mind. Compassion is not just being kind to your friend. That involves attachment because it is based on expectation. Compassion is when you do something good without any expectations – based on realizing that “the other person is also just like me”.

i get updates from the dalai lama on my facebook.  he's so hip and with it these days. in true 'university' style, it always aligns with the thoughts that have been most recently running through my head.

most recently, relationships. 

romantic, platonic, whatever.  it doesn't matter, they're all relationships.  the lady at the mcdonald's who hands me my diet coke every morning, we're in a relationship. and guess what? if she were to suddenly disappear, i'd miss her. 

the part of the quote that particularly struck a chord with me was the idea of excessive attachment.  i interpret this (because of my training) to mean enmeshment or perhaps some form of co-dependency.

i don't like the term "codependency." it gets thrown around a lot when people are describing their relationship problems.  it's actually a term that originates from the substance abuse arena, used to describe the behavior of the enabler in the addict's life. 

it does NOT mean that you're too dependent on your partner.  it does NOT mean that you rely too much on each other.

sorry, that just bugs me when people throw that term out there without knowing what it actually means. one of my pet peeves.

moving on. 

back to excessive attachment.  i heard dr. phil once say that we should never get into a relationship that we couldn't afford to lose. 

at first, i didn't understand what he was saying.  i interpreted it to mean that we don't allow ourselves to be completely open, that we protect ourselves from fully investing in our relationships. 

i know now that's not what he meant. 

what that means (to me) is that no matter what our relationship status, we should be okay. able to handle our lives, continue living. if someone walks away from me, i don't die.  and if i think i'm going to DIE without someone, then i'd say i'm getting way to close to the edge there. 

enmeshment literally means to entangle. it can happen in romantic relationships, paternal/maternal relationships, even friendships. i think this is what people are thinking about when they believe they're being "codependent." 

sorry, i can't let it go. it drives me nuts.  

enmeshed people are those who cannot function independently.  man, how many couples do we know like this? how many parent/child relationships do we see like this? i see it quite a bit, but my perception may be skewed as i work with them for a living....

when i see a person who is excessively attached to another, i have to wonder if they're basing their worth as a human being on that relationship.  i wonder if they like themselves, or if they enjoy spending time alone. i wonder if they have friends outside of this relationship and if they make it a point to spend time apart. i wonder if they know who they are.

i wonder a lot of things.

the opposite of the spectrum are those people who prefer to be alone, where no one is good enough for them. 

these people have a hard time with relationships because they're afraid of losing their independence.  *shifty eyes*  i've met a lot of men who do this.  for women, i've noticed it's more of a "i don't let other people tell me what to do" mentality.  of course, this is very general. it could also be that one is very difficult to get along with and NO one wants to date them.  just sayin'. 

i suppose the key is balance.  finding a way to relate with those around you while maintaining your individuality. allowing yourself to commit with the understanding that no matter what happens, you will get through it. supporting each other's individuality. that's it. something like that.

the second part of the quote talks about compassion and doing things with no expectations.  considering it's the christmas season, what better time to be kind to those around you, even if they're not kind to you?

i used to work in a halfway house and my clients would complain about how some of the guards would treat them. they'd whine and complain about how "unfair" life is and how just because they "made a mistake" people treat them like crap.

to which i asked them, "what do you get out of this?"  i asked them what was achieved by them harboring the negativity, holding onto the anger, spewing out bad energy and contributing to the negative vibe around that place. 

no one really had an answer, other than they felt justified in their anger. but what good does that do? does it "hurt" the guard because you're mad at him and you think he's an a-hole? no. does it make you feel better about your situation? no. do you feel good now? no.

so what's the point?

just to feel bad i guess.  no one seems to come up with a different answer. it doesn't matter who you ask or what their situation is.

compassion: being kind with no expectation of anything in return.

this is when i told my clients to be sincerely respectful to the guards with no expectations.  they did NOT like this suggestion. but really, what else was in their control other than their behavior, thoughts, and feelings?  NOTHING.  because they're just like the rest of us. this is all any of us have control over.

i heard some great stories about how attitudes and feelings changed. the moment they became aware of what was coming out of their mouth, they changed it, and felt better about what was going on around them. all with no expectations of the guard's behavior.

in this instance it's not about getting someone to treat you differently.

it's about you.  it's about how you feel about yourself.  and chances are, if you're mistreating others, you're mistreating yourself as well.

i would have challenged the guards to do the same thing with the residents. although...they never asked about this particular issue. i can't imagine why... :)

in personal relationships, we do have expectations on how we should be treated. i would encourage anyone who believes that they're being mistreated to change their circumstances.

but how many times do you do something just because you're a nice person? i'm not as nice as i'd like, but i really enjoy doing things for others. it makes me feel happy.

i have fallen victim to the expectation of reciprocation though, and that just leads to resentment or that suffering and agitation he was referring to.

man, there's so much stuff in that one saying that i could go on and on forever. 

thank you dalai lama, you smarty pants you.