spaceballs: the search for more money

more money, more things.  and the continued pursuit of more money and more things. i find myself feeling disheartened more than i feel happy. i'm a tad disappointed in most people at the moment.  when i'm aware, it reminds me to be mindful of my feelings, figure out why i'm so displeased, and see if i can change it.

but i suffer from "nothing is ever going to change syndrome." or NIEGTCS, if you will.

**haha, try and read that out loud. i did and totally cracked myself up.**

people seem to be demonstrating an overwhelming sense of entitlement, selfishness and complete lack of consideration for others, all in this pursuit of getting more.  more what? it doesn't matter. things.  power.  control. 

i find myself suffering from it too.  from the client who thinks he/she shouldn't have to pay for anything, to the complete lack of tolerance/understanding of differences (religious and political), to the resistance of positive change, people lying about intentions when attempting to gain stuff, power, and control. sometimes i feel like all i do is complain about what is going on around me.  i can't tell you how many times i say, "i hate everyone."  i yell at people in my car, i feel rage when someone doesn't use their turn signal.

funny thing happened....the more i see it, the more i participate in it.  i need stuff.  i need power. i need control.

i then become entitled, selfish, and find myself having no consideration of others. i disappoint myself really.

and then, the dalai lama updates his facebook and tells me how to solve this problem:

In contemporary life, humility is more important than ever. The more successful we become, both as individuals and as a family, through our development of science and technology, the more essential it becomes to preserve humility. For the greater our material achievements, the more vulnerable we become to pride and arrogance.  --Dalai Lama

back to the basics people. gratitude, honesty, acceptance, humility (i think we often forget that last one).

because the more entitled and selfish i become, the more i forget what my purpose is.  i really don't think i was put here to have "things". 

i think my purpose is to have experiences.

i am so blessed right now.  i have been for my entire life. because i have always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people to laugh at (i mean with...*shifty eyes*), and family and friends that love me. 

oh yeah, and i have several coach bags. they complete me.

just kidding!

sort of....

it's not that i'm lazy...it's that i just don't care...

I feel that the moment you adopt a sense of caring for others, it brings you inner strength. Inner strength brings inner tranquility, greater self-confidence. Because of such attitudes, even when things going on around you seem hostile and negative, you can still sustain your peace of mind.

  --Dalai Lama

i think i've mentioned (a time or two) that i'm a therapist.  currently, i'm not working as a therapist.  because for a while there i was suffering from something called campassion fatigue.  basically it means that someone (a therapist) begins to care too much, they get over-loaded, and then they start to not care about those around them.  or about anything really.  i didn't care about anything. as a social worker (my current job title), i'm lucky to get paid to care.

**i am so fortunate to have the job i have now.

the university knew what it was doing.** 

so caring is kiiiiiiind of important. but i think we've all had those moments where we think "but i don't care about this."  anyone who has met me knows that this happens often.

i don't care about a lot of things.

i know how to cook but i don't care to.

i know how to make my bed every day, but i don't care to.

i get pissed about things i hear on the news but i don't care enough to do anything about it.

there are many things that i will be paying others to do for me in the future because i don't care to do them. clean my house, wash my car (okay, i currently do this one).

let's not forget the things i already pay others to do. i live in a condo where i pay fees so someone else has to do the landscaping. others remove my garbage and maintain my building.

i'm really quite spoiled. 

i've become, like most people, quite self involved and self serving.  because along with all this not caring about stuff, came the ability to not care about some human beings.

i know, that sounds bad.  but i really got to the place where i only had energy to care about my own well being. as i'm working my way back, i'm noticing what i was missing out on.   and the only way i know to deal with a problem is to acknowledge it, learn, and move on.

what i was lacking was basic human connection.  that coupled with a complete disconnect with myself, lead to me really missing out on a huge chunk of time. now as i help people (not in such large doses), i'm beginning to feel more and more of that connection. it's helping me to feel better about what i'm doing and increasing the desire to be available for others.

i still launch into dissatisfaction and annoyance as fast as ever. but i've challenged myself to sit and think about why i'm irritated and to meet that irritation with understanding. most of the time, i'm nervous about the situation or someone i *gasp* care about is being hurt.  or someone is just being a big dummy.  either way, i figure it out.

what's that you say? i'm not dead inside?  who knew!?  just kidding.  i always knew, i just wasn't paying attention.

what this cute man says about inner tranquility is right for me.  giving service, caring about others, connection is what leads us to peace and contentment. that is... if we're doing it thoughtfully and are mindful of our intentions. 

i don't know about ya'll, but i could always use some peace and contentment. :)

i CAN therapatize myself!

People often expect the other person to respond first in a positive way, instead of taking the initiative to create that possibility. I feel that's wrong; it can act as a barrier that just promotes a feeling of isolation from others. To overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness, your underlying attitude makes a tremendous difference – approaching others with the thought of  compassion in your mind is the best way.  - Dalai Lama

so wise he is.

i like talking like yoda.

having expectations of our loved ones is something we all do. if i tell my mom that i'm having a bad day, i expect that she take care of me.

but what about those other things that are hard to talk about?

did i mention that i'm a therapist that often struggles with being emotionally honest with those around her?  i am. it's really difficult.  for a few reasons:

1. i feel i should know the answer already.
2. i don't like getting told what to do. i have had a few experiences where i try to be open and honest about what is going on with me, and the person i'm telling stops listening to me and starts telling that i don't need to be feeling that way and what i should do to fix it. 
3. i don't like hearing that i shouldn't feel a certain way because "so and so" has it soooo much worse that me. "just be grateful you're not me....her....that other person who's having a problem of some kind."

#3 happens to be my biggest pet peeve ever.  it's the easiest way to shut me down. so now you know the secret if you ever want me to shut up. hehe.

#2 and #3 really are the result of love. the people in my life feel bad when i feel bad and want that to stop. it's a natural thing.

i'm completely guilty of all three of these things. i've done them, i try not to. but we're talking about me here. :)

these past experiences have left kind of a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to expressing myself.  i now expect (see what i did there!) that whoever i'm telling will do something like this and i convince myself that it's just easier to suffer in silence. all the while, building resentment because i then feel as though no one cares about me or what's going on with me. because i won't talk about it....gah! it's a vicious cycle. 

(ps. what makes cycles vicious?  can we just call them 'unfortunate'? i'm not dying for crying out loud)

i expect people to react a certain way, and i end feeling disappointed because that's what i expected in the first place.

so what he's saying is: create a new experience. have faith in those around you. i've had several other experiences where i've been very open and have been given nothing but understanding and love.

a new thing that we all could try is finding a way to feel compassion for those who are hurting because we are. i often don't call my mom to tell her about hard times because she cries.

she cries because she loves me. but then i cry because she's crying and i'm crying right now becasue i'm thinking about her crying and my mom crying is the worst worst worst thing to experience for me.

but if we can all remember that it's all from love, then maybe crying isn't such a bad thing. as a therapist, i try to make people cry because it's real and it's very hard to deny your feelings when you're having such a significant emotional experience. maybe that's what we're trying to avoid all along.

hmm...i just had a thought. maybe people set the expectations to get out of being emotionally honest. maybe my expectation of disappointment is really about me and my fear of emotional honesty.

you know what that means? 1, 2, AND 3 are cop-outs.

i just blew your mind, i know.

i heart this guy

Dalai Lama

Even our physical structure seems more suited to feelings of love and compassion. We can see how a calm, affectionate, wholesome state of mind benefits our health and physical well-being. Conversely, the feelings of frustration, fear, agitation, and anger can be destructive to our health.  This is why we are impelled to seek happiness.

first off, i had to look up the word 'impelled'.  got that now.

it's no secret that this guy's a favorite of mine. look at his happy face!

i mean really folks.  i don't care what you believe in, that's the happiest lil' guy i've ever seen.  and all he wants us to do if friggin' relax already and do what our bodies were meant to do. just be happy. feel content. be grateful for what we have. treat each other with kindness and respect.

i grew up thinking life was a "test".  my struggles were sent to see how i handled them and, more importantly, what i learned.  when something bad happened, i it was for my own good. i thought that life was supposed to be hard. 

i'm wondering now how much my life was hard because i thought life was supposed to be hard as opposed to what it really is: an experience.  

i made a lot of things more difficult because of this belief, and i could have saved myself from a ton of grief.  hey, that rhymed.

i am not always able to do this. i complain a LOT. just ask anyone who gets long ranty emails from me in the middle of the day when i want to go postal. i still complain that life is "hard" and i'm tired of all the "tests".  but after i pull myself out of that (if i'm able to), it's so much easier to approach life this new way.

nothing is good or bad, it just is. and no matter what happens to me, i'm not the first person to go through it and i won't be the last.

man, i got off track again. he makes me think.  i try not to do that much, as it tends to make my head hurt.

back to the brilliance. i think i've talked about a book called feelings buried alive never die. this quote made me think of it. i do agree that if we don't take care of ourselves, our feelings manifest physically.

my favorite part of this idea is that human beings were not built to suffer. we were meant to be happy and calm. when we're not, we become sick.

when i feel anxious, i get sick to my stomach.  when i feel stressed out or overwhelmed, i get headaches and really tired.  i also get really tired when i'm sad.  it's like my body smacks me on the back of the head to get me to pay attention.

it doesn't always get my attention quickly and i often figure it out in hindsight, but i always come around in the end.

we'll always have those things that are out of our control. people die, we lose things that are important to us, natural disasters. but i've seen people even take these tragic things and turn them into experiences rather than perpetuating that "bad things always happen to us" attitude. 

their lives must be so much easier than mine.  hehe. :)

and just for fun, dave matthews and the dalai lama.

ahhh, that's good stuff right there peeps.

ships to the relations...

Dalai Lama

Hatred, jealousy and excessive attachment cause suffering and agitation. I feel compassion can help us overcome these disturbances and let us return to a calm state of mind. Compassion is not just being kind to your friend. That involves attachment because it is based on expectation. Compassion is when you do something good without any expectations – based on realizing that “the other person is also just like me”.

i get updates from the dalai lama on my facebook.  he's so hip and with it these days. in true 'university' style, it always aligns with the thoughts that have been most recently running through my head.

most recently, relationships. 

romantic, platonic, whatever.  it doesn't matter, they're all relationships.  the lady at the mcdonald's who hands me my diet coke every morning, we're in a relationship. and guess what? if she were to suddenly disappear, i'd miss her. 

the part of the quote that particularly struck a chord with me was the idea of excessive attachment.  i interpret this (because of my training) to mean enmeshment or perhaps some form of co-dependency.

i don't like the term "codependency." it gets thrown around a lot when people are describing their relationship problems.  it's actually a term that originates from the substance abuse arena, used to describe the behavior of the enabler in the addict's life. 

it does NOT mean that you're too dependent on your partner.  it does NOT mean that you rely too much on each other.

sorry, that just bugs me when people throw that term out there without knowing what it actually means. one of my pet peeves.

moving on. 

back to excessive attachment.  i heard dr. phil once say that we should never get into a relationship that we couldn't afford to lose. 

at first, i didn't understand what he was saying.  i interpreted it to mean that we don't allow ourselves to be completely open, that we protect ourselves from fully investing in our relationships. 

i know now that's not what he meant. 

what that means (to me) is that no matter what our relationship status, we should be okay. able to handle our lives, continue living. if someone walks away from me, i don't die.  and if i think i'm going to DIE without someone, then i'd say i'm getting way to close to the edge there. 

enmeshment literally means to entangle. it can happen in romantic relationships, paternal/maternal relationships, even friendships. i think this is what people are thinking about when they believe they're being "codependent." 

sorry, i can't let it go. it drives me nuts.  

enmeshed people are those who cannot function independently.  man, how many couples do we know like this? how many parent/child relationships do we see like this? i see it quite a bit, but my perception may be skewed as i work with them for a living....

when i see a person who is excessively attached to another, i have to wonder if they're basing their worth as a human being on that relationship.  i wonder if they like themselves, or if they enjoy spending time alone. i wonder if they have friends outside of this relationship and if they make it a point to spend time apart. i wonder if they know who they are.

i wonder a lot of things.

the opposite of the spectrum are those people who prefer to be alone, where no one is good enough for them. 

these people have a hard time with relationships because they're afraid of losing their independence.  *shifty eyes*  i've met a lot of men who do this.  for women, i've noticed it's more of a "i don't let other people tell me what to do" mentality.  of course, this is very general. it could also be that one is very difficult to get along with and NO one wants to date them.  just sayin'. 

i suppose the key is balance.  finding a way to relate with those around you while maintaining your individuality. allowing yourself to commit with the understanding that no matter what happens, you will get through it. supporting each other's individuality. that's it. something like that.

the second part of the quote talks about compassion and doing things with no expectations.  considering it's the christmas season, what better time to be kind to those around you, even if they're not kind to you?

i used to work in a halfway house and my clients would complain about how some of the guards would treat them. they'd whine and complain about how "unfair" life is and how just because they "made a mistake" people treat them like crap.

to which i asked them, "what do you get out of this?"  i asked them what was achieved by them harboring the negativity, holding onto the anger, spewing out bad energy and contributing to the negative vibe around that place. 

no one really had an answer, other than they felt justified in their anger. but what good does that do? does it "hurt" the guard because you're mad at him and you think he's an a-hole? no. does it make you feel better about your situation? no. do you feel good now? no.

so what's the point?

just to feel bad i guess.  no one seems to come up with a different answer. it doesn't matter who you ask or what their situation is.

compassion: being kind with no expectation of anything in return.

this is when i told my clients to be sincerely respectful to the guards with no expectations.  they did NOT like this suggestion. but really, what else was in their control other than their behavior, thoughts, and feelings?  NOTHING.  because they're just like the rest of us. this is all any of us have control over.

i heard some great stories about how attitudes and feelings changed. the moment they became aware of what was coming out of their mouth, they changed it, and felt better about what was going on around them. all with no expectations of the guard's behavior.

in this instance it's not about getting someone to treat you differently.

it's about you.  it's about how you feel about yourself.  and chances are, if you're mistreating others, you're mistreating yourself as well.

i would have challenged the guards to do the same thing with the residents. although...they never asked about this particular issue. i can't imagine why... :)

in personal relationships, we do have expectations on how we should be treated. i would encourage anyone who believes that they're being mistreated to change their circumstances.

but how many times do you do something just because you're a nice person? i'm not as nice as i'd like, but i really enjoy doing things for others. it makes me feel happy.

i have fallen victim to the expectation of reciprocation though, and that just leads to resentment or that suffering and agitation he was referring to.

man, there's so much stuff in that one saying that i could go on and on forever. 

thank you dalai lama, you smarty pants you.