Wax on, wax off....

Little therapist tidbit for ya's. 

About this time of year in 2010, I was thinking about looking for a new job.  I enjoyed my old one but I needed more security. The university knew I'd need some assurance that I was making the right decision and in group one night, I received it.

If you know therapists, you know we're all about experiential learning and conducting activities that make our clients think a little deeper than they're used to.  

If you know anything about me, you know that Dave Matthews is one of my very favorite musicians.

So, I naturally look for ways to combine the two. 

One of the simplest activities is to have people choose a piece of music and share it with the group. They talk about their decision making process, why the music is important, why the lyrics are important, what it reminds them of, and most importantly, how it makes them feel. 

'Feeling' is almost a cuss word sometimes.

Sometimes I participate, other times I do not.  It depends on how many actually remember to bring their assignment.  If someone forgets, I'd always have one for a back up.

In this particular case, I chose the song "Save Me," by the one and only Mr. David J. Matthews.

Driving through the desert I met a man
Who told me of his crazy plan
He’d been walking there for 20 days
He was gonna walk on for 20 more
I said, “How ‘bout a drink or a bite to eat”
He said, “No, my faith is all I need”
So then, save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can

You don’t need to prove a thing to me
Just give me faith make me believe
C’mon save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “Stranger if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger if you please
Or am I too far gone?
I said, “to get back home”

How ‘bout you take a ride with me
We could kill some time, shoot the breeze
He said, “every whispering wind and second counts”
Oh, maybe if you walk but you should drive around

Save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “stranger, if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger, if you please
Or am I too far gone?
To get back home

I don’t need you to stop the sunshine, no
I don’t need you to turn water into wine, no
I don’t need you to, to fly
I’m just asking you to save me

(You might try savin' yourself)
I'm gonna save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
I swear those lips shine
(You might try savin' yourself)
As it, the, the moon it shines
(You might try savin' yourself)
Why don't you, save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Come on and save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Oh, oh, oh, oh
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
Save me, save me

It's a catchy tune.  It's upbeat, a tad jazzy, and it has some unexpected surprises.  I do a mean air...drummer...to it.  That'd work better if it was air guitar....air drummer?

 

I had an idea of the points I wanted to make. Have faith, or something along those lines.

But I never thought they'd interpret it the way they did. 

After it was over and we got through the "crickets chirping" phase of group, it was a young guy who said something like, "That kind of reminds me of you. You try to save us but maybe it's time for us to save ourselves." 

*These are not his exact words. But because he was giving an observation about me, I'm free to share it. Another observation about me: one time someone chose me to represent their "snotty older sister" in a family group.  What does THAT say about me eh?*

What the what now? I probably did a double take, like the ones you see in cartoons.

He had heard something even I had missed.  I was trying to relate it to them but I never thought they'd relate it to me. 

As a therapist, we are very likely to lose ourselves in the problems of our clients, often forgetting to find balance and peace in our own lives. The funny thing is that the client doesn't expect that level of "commitment." The client expects a healthy and well rounded person to assist them in whatever they're trying to learn or do. I was not taking care of myself. I was immersing myself in the problems of others.

Basically, what he did, was give me permission to leave.

The student becomes the teacher. :)




And just for fun: 

the few that make it worth it.

i read the obituaries every day.  does this make me weird?  i can't be the only one who does this....

i do this for 2 reasons:

number 1: every now and again, i'll happen upon a couple who had been married for over 60 years and then died within a few days of each other.  it reminds me that we are all connected.  what would it be like to not be able to literally keep living because your loved one has gone? it's romantically tragic. or tragically romantic.  either way, that's some deep shiz right there. 

it reminds me of what life is really about. 

love. connection.

to be in love 60 years ago must have been such a different experience than it is now.  people were truly...committed.  i don't know many couples today with that level of commitment.  divorce wasn't the immediate solution.  i see it a lot with my clients now as well.  when i speak with a someone who is caring for their spouse ("because that's what you do after all these years"), my faith in commitment is renewed. 

*this doesn't mean that i think once someone is married that they should stay that way if they're unhappy.  in many cases, divorce (like marriage) can be a great blessing. suck that poison out people, if that's what you gotta do.

number 2: often, i find someone i know.  i spent 6 years as a practicing therapist. that's actually not that long of a time now that i think about it.  really, the length of time is irrelevant.  i was a therapist. one who had many opportunities to see some pretty great things. i'm often in awe of humans who create big huge giant piles of crap and then proceed to dig their way out of it.  it's pretty cool. the sad part is that sometimes these people die.  i suppose looking at the obits gives me the opportunity to give thanks to those who have taught me so many lessons.

lessons not just in my career, but as a human being.  people suck sometimes, they do really hurtful things. but to take responsibility for that and move on is more powerful than i think we realize.  sometimes a simple apology will do it, other times they have some serious amends to make.  but each time, somehow, it all works out. 

my clients always asked me how i knew it would "work out." 

errrrr.....i don't (i don't know anything more than anyone else).  i just choose have faith and believe that people can change, no matter what they've done (that is, if they want to...). so when someone walked into my office and told me how they created the situation, i always knew that it would work out.  sometimes it hurts a lot and there is a lot of damage and it might be really scary, but it will work out.  everyone can move forward, despite the past. 

things are working out right now. now matter what we're facing. 

tangent.  back on track. obits.

recently, i came across someone i knew professionally. someone who completely changed their life. someone who could spot someone else's bullshit faster than even i could (because that's what a therapist really is: a professional bullshit caller-outer). someone who had made some mistakes (a huge ones) but never denied making them (not in an "anti-social" way, but in a "i really screwed up and i need to make it right" way). someone who played many different roles (parent, child, sibling, employee, client), all beautifully.  someone who chose to do the right thing and to be happy, even though others continually questioned their motives and intentions (this is what happens when you lie a lot: note to self -- don't lie.  it makes life reeeeeeeeealllly hard). someone who finally got it.  so well, that this person doesn't need to be on this earth anymore.

someone who wrote me a thank you note.  a note that i'll cherish even more because i was allowed to watch (wow, that's a little voyeuristic...) the transformation. i get to say, "i was there when they did that!"

because i was.  and it was awesome.

relationships....shipsssss....

relationships. bah. i know right? it's just a topic that has presented itself over and over a bit lately so i thought i'd compile my completely unoriginal ideas all in one place. 

i have friends in relationships, friends looking for relationships, friends wanting to punch their significant others...just kidding.  sort of.

all kidding aside, the one question that keeps arising is "what is wrong with *me*?"

i have the most beautiful, talented, funny, smart and capable friends.  all of which would probably admit that they've tried to answer this question at one time or another. 

why does this question keep coming up?  because the same thing keeps happening over and over to everyone.  we get into a relationship, and then...it ends.  but WHY???  wahhhhhh!

the outcomes never change, because the approach never changes (we may say we're doing things differently, but old beliefs die hard peeps).  the old join-a-gym-get-a-haircut-rearrange-the-living-room-furniture-then-everything-will-be-better approach. doesn't really address the problem, does it?

how many times have you sent a friend a late-night text asking them to point out exactly what is wrong with you because your latest dating adventure didn't pan out? okay, maybe that's just me.  *shifty eyes*

or if you're really insecure, it's several late night texts. because when you're in that place, you're "the problem". he/she left because he/she didn't like YOU. he/she didn't want to be with YOU. there must be something wrong with YOU.  it's so clear. and to hear people talk about it, you can tell that they've convinced themselves that they aren't good enough for some yahoo they met 3 minutes ago. i've done it. every girl i know has done it. i'm sure dudes do it too.

did anyone watch the last season of "the bachelorette?" there was a part in the end where one of the three guys left ali for an old girlfriend and she had this breakdown on camera wondering what was wrong with her. apart from being incredibly bubbly there isn't anything wrong with her. she actually looks like a barbie and has a college degree.

can i just say that when that jerk left her that she still had two incredibly attractive and successful men waiting for her. she obviously loved this frank guy, which to this day, i still don't understand. really ali? at one point it was frank over chris? over roberto? REALLY? good thing she picked roberto because i was really beginning to wonder about her in the end. i'm still not convinced that frank is straight...he wears v-neck shirts with nothing underneath. like, looooow v-necks.  the only person who is allowed to do that (and is also straight) is simon cowell. because he has more money than god and can do whatever he wants. this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it just bothers me.  and it's my blog.

so what is wrong with her? or with anyone who's ever been dumped (hopefully not on national television)?

nothing. there is nothing wrong with anyone. simple eh?

i also got this from the guy at work. don't tell him though. i don't want him to know i learned anything from him (don't insinuate anything about my feelings towards him either, that ship sailed sunk shipwrecked loooooong ago.

i know what some people are thinking.  what does she mean that there's nothing wrong with anyone? well, there isn't. we are what we are. that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there that drive me nuts. it just means that we're fine the way we are and if someone doesn't love us, that has more to do with them than anything.

anyways, back to relationships and how does this possibly relate to the university?  in the secret it instructs people to make "room" for that lasting relationship. one example was the young lady who cleaned out half her closet and started sleeping on one side of the bed, in order to connect with the feeling of being in a relationship already.  ask, believe, receive and all that hoopla.

that's all fine and good. i'm all for being open and letting the university know you're lookin'.  there seems to be a piece missing though. but i don't think finding a relationship is hard.  now staying in one?  being your own person in one? finding a healthy partner?  those are different things entirely.

i've observed that people often end up in unhealthy relationships for few main reasons.

1. they can't stand being alone.
2. they're looking for someone to "complete" them (whatever that means).
3. they don't know what they want so they can't see it when it shows up.
4. they don't believe they deserve what they want so they make exceptions, sometimes at the risk of their own personal, mental, emotional, and sexual safety.  

it may be counter intuitive, but the first step to finding a lasting healthy relationship, is to be healthy yourself and sometimes this means spending some time alone.  challenge all those beliefs that are in your way.  don't know what they are? make a list.  what are your biggest barriers? i'll share mine.

it was me. i believed i wasn't good enough.  for what, i don't even know anymore. it was just combination of things that ultimately lead me to think that i didn't deserve what i wanted, which lead me to abusing myself for what? not being good enough. it's nuts.  i'm a work in progress and i regress often.

get to know yourself!  i'm sorry for all the analogies, but does everyone remember the movie "runaway bride" and how she didn't even know what kind of eggs she liked because she always ordered whatever her current boyfriend was ordering?  it's true!  figure out what kind of eggs you like for hell's sakes! take your time and learn to love yourself unconditionally. i'll admit, this is a hard one.

the second step is to figure out what the heck you want in a partner.

it looks like many people approach relationships  like that edgar allen poe story about the monkey paw. someone wishes for a loved one to come back to life but what they get is a crazy scary zombie version of that person? they act all surprised because the person wasn't brought back to them in perfect condition.  whaaa??

was the paw supposed to know that you wanted your loved one back in one piece or like, not dead? it grants wishes, it doesn't read your mind. it's going to take you literally.  as does the university. :)

if you're not CLEAR about the desire, then don't complain about the outcome. now if i say i want roberto and frank shows up, i can send him back because that's just not what i ordered.

how do you do this? who knows. journaling? list making? i'm a fan of sticky notes. fill pages up with all the wonderful things you want in a partner.  connect with that person even if they haven't materialized yet. they exist, they just haven't arrived.  when you get discouraged, look back at those pages and feel close to that person again.

easier said than done i know. everything on this blog is easier said than done.

not gonna lie. :)

a dose of reality

don't get me wrong. i really do truly believe in the law of attraction and the power of the university.

it's just that sometimes when i read what i write on here i want to throw up a little in my mouth.

i don't know how i became this touchy-feely feel good positive thinker, because it sure isn't all the time. there are times when i read what i wrote and wonder who actually wrote it...

it takes a lot of work and conscious effort for me to stay positive. so many clients have said "this stuff must come so easy for you."

*shifty eyes* haha, yeah....surrrre. but really, i'm just tryin' to figure this shiz out like everyone else.

i'm a good faker. i really have to work at it. i'd venture that a lot of us (therapists or not) really have a hard time practicing what we preach. i may have just blown every therapist's cover, but really? let's get real. as humans (living in the US) we're trained to be negative. even if it doesn't come from immediate family, it comes from somewhere else. it's so easy to fall into that trap. i do almost daily.

this negativity and skepticism mostly comes out in my thoughts and feelings. i'm not actually mean to people. not intentionally, anyways. how sad is it that it's become second nature? back to the committed effort, where i have to remind myself that not everyone is out to get me and that most people are basically good and are just doing the best that they can with what they have.

blah blah blah. sometimes i want to kick my own bum for spewing the "therapeutic" rhetoric that we're all so used to hearing. sometimes it sounds so empty.

stay positive.

be positive.

feel positive.

gag me.

i want to tell people to take their positivity and shove it. i want to roll my eyes and tell the person in front of me that i'm full of crap and not to listen to a word that i'm saying. i wouldn't. in their heads they're probably thinking, "really? just be positive? thank you so much for that brand new information, i can't believe i didn't think of that before. this must be why they pay you the big bucks!" then i imagine that they are thinking about punching me in the face. which is what i want to do when someone tells me something i already know. *

in spite of the irritation, my training tells me that this stuff works. i have seen it. as hokey and feel-goody as it sounds, it really does. but sometimes i'm completely offended by it's simplicity.

feel good now?

done and done.

yeah, i'll get right on that.

i suppose there must be some balance between the two. feel whatever you're feeling and move forward. perhaps what the university should say is be honest, but don't dwell. i certainly don't posses the ability (nor the desire) to be happy all the time. that isn't real. those who tell you that they're happy all the time are lying. i do think someone can feel happy throughout every day, but i really don't think that it's constant. even at my saddest i can find joy. at my happiest, i can feel disappointment.**

what would i tell a client? i would say that sometimes things suck and that there's nothing wrong with that. just because we don't feel good doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong. if something has happened (death, divorce, assault, other kinds of trauma), then you will deal with it in time. all that jazz (this is the short short version, but you get the idea).

feelings. yeah, i hate those buggers as much as the next person but they will pass. nothing, good or bad, is permanent.

obviously, simple does not equate easy. i really wish it did.


*i just want you all to know that when i give advice, i know how it can sound. believe me, i'm irritated too.

**if you are happy all the time, please tell me what medication you're on....

I ALWAYS get asked how people get over things. Let me tell ya, there was no class on "teaching clients to let go of things" in college. If there was, I would have taught it to everyone I know, and used it myself. Or I would have changed it just a little, gave it a new name and made a bajillion dollars.

"How do I let *it* go?" Some people think that there is a magic formula or a series of steps that you go through, one after the other, and then you're done. I guess you could do it this way, but I don't think it will pertain to every situation. Other people get mad when you don't have the answer they want. Other clients get angry when they realize that they had the answer all along. Which is this: You will let go when your mind, body, and soul say that it's time.

You choose to let go when you're ready.

Personally, I can attest that this is true. My version of letting go often includes ignorance and isolation, which only make the problem worse. The next thing I know I'm having a mental breakdown because the guy at the McDonalds got my drink order wrong. Or maybe that's just me. Anyways, this is true. Being a Balmforth, I can see how this trait has been passed down to me. I can also see it in all my family members as well. However, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing that we are all so stubborn. Being stubborn also means that we assert ourselves and we protect the ones we love.

But what are the circumstances when my own stubbornness has added to the suffering that I was trying to avoid in the first place? EVERYTHING! I'm one of the most stubborn people I know. Not in every case, but certainly more times than not.
Sometimes I do think that I have had something implanted in my brain, so that people know what I'm thinking and what I'm struggling with. Turns out it's just the Law of Attraction. Who knew? The University knew I have having a hard time with this and dropped this little tidbit into my inbox.

"8 Ways to Stop Holding a Grudge." (beliefnet.com)

Hmm. What am I to think about this? So I asked myself some questions:

Am I holding a grudge currently? Yes.
Is it negatively affecting my life? Yes.
Is it something that I can live without? Yes.

Eff that.

Acknowledge the Problem
Figure out what it is that's causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue, you can then make a choice to move forward from there.

As you read these, you're going to notice that we all know how to do these things when our lives are going well. This one is obvious. However, even the simplest of things are rocket science when we are upset.

Share Your Feelings
A grudge can form when an issue isn't fully confronted. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involve the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and are able to resolve the problem.


I HATE this one. My fellow therapists can attest, that trying to share your feelings with someone who is not a therapist, or who doesn't know how to actively listen, or who gets offended easily, SUCKS. Too many times, people offer me advice, tell me I should be grateful, or immediately get defensive and tell me everything I’m doing wrong when we're not addressing that issue. My biggest pet peeve is when people then tell you that your life is great and that you have nothing to be upset about. "Just be grateful you're not ME." GAH. That drives me nuts. It bothers me so much, that I don't share as much as I should. Because sometimes it can be such a hassle.

Switch Places
To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question is in a lot of pain. This doesn't justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is to not let go of a grudge.

When we are taking a look at our own resentments, how easy is it to see someone else's point of view? Do we even want to see that view? Maybe that's the first question we should ask. I'll be the first to admit that there are times that I don't care about the other person's point of view. Because I'm hurting and that's all I can see at the moment. I think that comes in time, if you let it.

Accept What Is
Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don't wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don't offer an apology, it doesn't mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.

It is what it is.

Don't Dwell On It
Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don't put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.

Chances are high that we don't have all the information. There are some people in my life who I will never understand. And that's okay. Everyone's different. And sometimes different is weird. But that doesn’t make it wrong. I can either be mad (without them knowing or giving a crap) or I can more on.

Look at the Bright Side
For every negative situation there is a positive. If you take this as a learning experience, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself and the other person. Choose to learn a valuable lesson or walk away with a better understanding that can help you let go of the issue and not resent the other person.

YAY! This is when we do get to look at all the good things in life! I don't know about you, but I have several great things going on in my life right now. I have a tendency to forget about them when I'm feeling down, but they're there and they're not going anywhere. Whenever I'm sad, one of my favorite things to re-read all the funny stuff my mom says. It takes me right back to the moment she said it, who we were with, and how funny we thought it was.

Let It Go
Letting go allows room for peace and happiness. A long lasting grudge will only drain you physically and emotionally and can surely affect your health. You will use more energy than you can imagine by holding a grudge than you will by letting go.

There have been a number of times when someone has asked me how to do this and I say, "I don't know, you just do it." There's no secret. When we're tired of being miserable, then we stop.

Forgive
Of course, forgiving doesn't mean you will forget the issue. It's just acknowledging your differences and accepting that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes we should learn from. Forgiving isn't the easiest to do especially when you've endured a lot of hurt and pain, but it's the only way to truly let go and have peace.

Notice that this last one doesn't say we get the exact outcome we wanted. This just means that I accept that sometimes I don't know best, and the University is aligning to give me what I truly want, which is peace and happiness. And as we all know, true forgiveness is not for the one who committed the offense.

which universe am i actually in?

the one i want to be or the one i think i should be? i'm not so sure these days. most of the time i am running around crazy like, forgetting things like i have 9 children. i assure you, i have no children. i can also assure you, that my brain does not work the way i think it should. which leads me back to my original question: where am i and how did i get here?

i'm confused.

there are parts i like. and then there are parts that i dislike. but are things this way because i made them this way, or is there an important lesson i'm supposed to learn (that i'm obviously not getting, hence the perpetual 'dear-in-headlights' look on my face) that i'm missing specifically?

choosing the universe in which i want to reside has proved to be a little difficult. nothing turns out the way i think it will, which leads me to question my whole "your life can be however you want it" philosphy. but if i didn't believe in this, what would i believe in? i have no idea. i have to believe in something, because the alternative isn't very appealing. believing in nothing makes no sense to me either. what i was taught as a child didn't fit, and there are some things i have learned as an adult that i can throw out. and now i'm rambling. sorry, i'm sunburnt and tired and really really don't want to go to work tomorrow. so naturyally, i decided to blog because it's the easiest way to get out of thinking about actually going to bed....

which universe am i in? there are several options that i can see at this point.
1. life is a test. truthfully, i've never fully bought this.

2. life is what you make of it. welllll, okay.

3. life's a bitch and then you die. this i can probably get on board with, easily these days.

4. life happens and you make the best of it. meh. like, natural disasters happen and we deal with those. this fits there. but there are so many other obstacles that people create for themselves. so this only applies in certain situations.

and my personal favorite these days....

5. i want their life. mine isn't good enough.

i'm sure there are more, these are just the few that i've operated under. recently, i've been catching myself thinking "i want a different life." have you ever talked to someone who thinks about driving his car into a ditch? or wishes for some other kind of life altering event? no i'm not suicidal, that's not what i'm saying. i have thought about those life altering events though. it doesn't hgave to be driving my car into a ditch. it could be winning the lottery. these are just examples, it could be anything. but i do think that having a "i want a different life" attitude lends itself to wishing for death. just something to think about.

anyway, back to wanting a different life. different how? i'm sure that it would include being thin, beautiful, and rich. and possibly not having to work full time. and an abundance of diet coke that IS good for your body. but now that i've thought about it, all i know is that i want a different life. not that this one isn't good enough....

my 'self help' education tells me that if i want something, i can make it happen. it also says that if i focus on the lack of whatever it is i desire, then this also hinders it's arrival. it also says to FEEL GOOD NOW. (except that i don't, this one is hard for me). so basically, i feel like i'm screwed either way. the more time i spend being sad about something i don't have, the further and further i push it away. but if i'm being emotionally honest with myself, i would say, "i'm feeling sad about ...blah blah blah." it's a catch 22.

so lately, the universe i've been occupying has not helped me to feel good, nor has it been providing me with what i want. i don't like that. i really don't buy into the whole 'life is a test' or 'life sucks and then you die' mentality. i really do think that life is what you make of it. the problem i'm having is feeling good about the life i have NOW, when it's not necessarily the life that i want.

phew. even after i read this again, i still don't make sense. does anyone understand or am i just talkin' nonsense?

i guess i need an attitude adjustment.

NEW ATTITUDE! isn't that a song?