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Heal yourself, and your relationship will heal, too. If you can heal yourself, then you are going to be ready for a relationship without fear, without need. If you and your partner each work on yourselves, you will see how quickly progress is made.  -don Miguel Ruiz

If anyone here listens to X96, you'll know that they used to have the Psychic Margaret Ruth on to answer all of your love questions.  They stopped doing this for a while, and she disappeared. But now she is back! She and the Painful Circle (i.e. Kerry, Bill, and Gina) tell it like it is when people call in about their love and romance issues.

Most of the time, it's ends up that the caller is being stupid. They have no problem tell you that either, which is the best part.  It's nice to know that some of my ideas about relationships aren't just crap I make up in my head. Local celebrities agree with me!

But really, most of their input is sound and down to earth. Kind of like, if you don't like fish, then don't eat it.  Der. 

But one thing has always stuck with me, something that the love psychic herself always says:

It takes three things to have a successful and happy relationships: love, common vision, and two whole healthy happy people.

Love isn't really all you need.  You need all three.

The first two, seem to be easy enough to find.  You meet someone, you think they're neato, they want to get married and have kids too?  Ta-da! 

Whoa whoa whoa (or whoazers whoazers, as my mother would say), that just isn't going to cut it. I really wish it did.

But we live in a society where we're basically taught to hate ourselves.  Then we project our issues onto our partner and expect them to fix us or to magically make us love ourselves.  Overnight, if possible.

It seems counter intuitive to work on yourself to mend a relationship, but it really is the beginning step.  If we all took the time to be complete whole people prior to searching for a relationship, would we find anything different?

Yep. We'd find other people who are whole and happy. If we really get back what we put out, and we're miserable....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why everyone is so unhappy all the time. 

My beef with this whole idea is that not a lot of people believe it.  Even though I've seen it work over and over again, both professionally and personally, people really do go about their lives feeling badly and thinking that there's nothing they can do about it.  And that it's not really their fault anyways.

Those of us who know this idea is true, then have to deal with all the negativity and projection that is constantly being spewed.  It's too bad that so many people don't know that they already possess everything they need to be happy.  Do they just not want to do the work?  Are they really not aware that they're unhappiness is self inflicted? Do they have several convenient scapegoats? 

I have a ton of scapegoats. My dad died. My boyfriend left me. My last job screwed up my finances.

I had nothing to do with any of it..... *shifty eyes*

If we're not able to be accountable for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, then how can we move forward? This is the part where most get stuck. Because most of us, myself included, feel justified in every thought, feeling or behavior, regardless of whether or not they have merit. Because we think we're right, we push our "rightness" onto everyone around us, and then get offended when they don't agree. 

It's exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

This is opposite of true accountability.  True accountability includes not only being responsible for yourself, but being open to new ideas and opinions of others.  Trying to find understanding of how people have come to their own conclusions, when they differ from ours. Being respectful of every one's right to agree or disagree, without the need to push your ideas on them. Not judging or calling someone misinformed when they have a different opinion. 

They're not misinformed.  They've just had a different experience. 

How does this apply to relationships? In order to make changes, you have to admit that there's something wrong with the way you do things. That's not easy for anyone. Often times, one partner will see the need for work and the other will not. This creates a new dynamic, and a whole new set of issues. I've seen relationships end because one person decided to take care of themselves while the other did not. It's sad, but what's the alternative? Try to make some positive changes with someone there to tell you that you're never going to accomplish your goal?

To add to the don's message here, I'm just going to quote my mother.  Who happens to be the smartest lady on the planet (who may or may not have had a lot of therapy in her life):

It takes a hell of a man to be better than no man at all.

It works with women too. :) 

Is anything more true than that?  I have met so many people, and I have been one of these people before, who make exceptions in how they're treated simply for the sake of not being alone. We've settled for less because we don't think we deserve better.  We've all done it. It's time to stop. Be that healthy person. The people in our lives will either decide to hop on board, or they'll leave.  Which, as the don says, is a blessing.

ahhh, the douchebaggery....

okay, not everyone sucks.  but really, a lot of people do.  and i find that i'm not surprised or phased when someone chooses to do something disappointing.

amidst my recent discussions about the suckability of some people, i have found myself clinging to the fact that when someone turns out to be a douchebag (both men and women can demonstrate douchebaggery) this is only 1 of 7 billion people on the planet.  i instantly feel better after i remind myself of that. 

but why does it keep happening over and over again? in my life? to my friends? to my family?

why do people continue to be selfish and demonstrate a complete lack of consideration for others? particularly for people that they claimed to love at one point?

i don't get it.  is it entitlement, is it selfishness...should "douchebaggery" be put into the DSM as a identifiable illness?  where are the parents of these people? is douchebaggery genetically passed down from one generation to another? is it in some people's DNA? are there classes offered somewhere? where does it come from and why WHY do people think it's okay to behave this way?

i'm beginning to wonder.

i'm not saying we don't all make mistakes. we do. i do. everyone does.  but when will we ever learn from them?

it's so disappointing.  but it doesn't shock me anymore.

that's the most disappointing thing of all. 

if i understood, maybe i would feel better but i don't. and i'm tired of the old excuse that men can't understand women and vice versa.  when did that become a viable reason for mistreating someone for your own gain?

yeah, i'm judging. but in the world of me, that doesn't make any sense.  i can't wrap my head around the idea that it's okay to take advantage of those around you for any reason (because you're selfish, because you want to 'hurt' someone, because of instant gratification). 

and for those who may read this and tell me i'm judging, you're right.  but it's not about the person, it's about the behavior and the choices.  how does someone conclude in their head that this is okay? am i the messed up one? did i miss that memo?

and for those of you who may read this and tell me that i don't understand because i've never *insert what you will here...been married, divorced, had kids, been cheated on, been shot in the face....blah blah blah*...shut it.  manners, thoughtfulness, and consideration of others are UNIVERSAL.  you know what else is universal? abuse, manipulation, and exploitation. i'm so sick of the "you don't understand," defense.

ummm....perhaps it's you that doesn't understand. 

jeebus, denial is a powerful thing. 

how we treat others is a pretty good indicator of that kind of people we are.  it also says a lot about how we feel about ourselves.  if someone is hurting others, i'd bet money that they're abusing themselves as well.

i hope and pray that when i feel as though i'm entitled to behave badly, that i stop and make a better choice.  not just for those around me, but for myself.  what kind of person do i want to be? do i want people thinking about me that i'm thinking about this guy....or that girl....or this or that organization?  no. i don't need that negative energy. i know i sound like a broken record, but i need reminders like everyone else.

note to self: check myself often.

and now the question:

are you a douche bag? or does the douche stop here?

ships to the relations...

Dalai Lama

Hatred, jealousy and excessive attachment cause suffering and agitation. I feel compassion can help us overcome these disturbances and let us return to a calm state of mind. Compassion is not just being kind to your friend. That involves attachment because it is based on expectation. Compassion is when you do something good without any expectations – based on realizing that “the other person is also just like me”.

i get updates from the dalai lama on my facebook.  he's so hip and with it these days. in true 'university' style, it always aligns with the thoughts that have been most recently running through my head.

most recently, relationships. 

romantic, platonic, whatever.  it doesn't matter, they're all relationships.  the lady at the mcdonald's who hands me my diet coke every morning, we're in a relationship. and guess what? if she were to suddenly disappear, i'd miss her. 

the part of the quote that particularly struck a chord with me was the idea of excessive attachment.  i interpret this (because of my training) to mean enmeshment or perhaps some form of co-dependency.

i don't like the term "codependency." it gets thrown around a lot when people are describing their relationship problems.  it's actually a term that originates from the substance abuse arena, used to describe the behavior of the enabler in the addict's life. 

it does NOT mean that you're too dependent on your partner.  it does NOT mean that you rely too much on each other.

sorry, that just bugs me when people throw that term out there without knowing what it actually means. one of my pet peeves.

moving on. 

back to excessive attachment.  i heard dr. phil once say that we should never get into a relationship that we couldn't afford to lose. 

at first, i didn't understand what he was saying.  i interpreted it to mean that we don't allow ourselves to be completely open, that we protect ourselves from fully investing in our relationships. 

i know now that's not what he meant. 

what that means (to me) is that no matter what our relationship status, we should be okay. able to handle our lives, continue living. if someone walks away from me, i don't die.  and if i think i'm going to DIE without someone, then i'd say i'm getting way to close to the edge there. 

enmeshment literally means to entangle. it can happen in romantic relationships, paternal/maternal relationships, even friendships. i think this is what people are thinking about when they believe they're being "codependent." 

sorry, i can't let it go. it drives me nuts.  

enmeshed people are those who cannot function independently.  man, how many couples do we know like this? how many parent/child relationships do we see like this? i see it quite a bit, but my perception may be skewed as i work with them for a living....

when i see a person who is excessively attached to another, i have to wonder if they're basing their worth as a human being on that relationship.  i wonder if they like themselves, or if they enjoy spending time alone. i wonder if they have friends outside of this relationship and if they make it a point to spend time apart. i wonder if they know who they are.

i wonder a lot of things.

the opposite of the spectrum are those people who prefer to be alone, where no one is good enough for them. 

these people have a hard time with relationships because they're afraid of losing their independence.  *shifty eyes*  i've met a lot of men who do this.  for women, i've noticed it's more of a "i don't let other people tell me what to do" mentality.  of course, this is very general. it could also be that one is very difficult to get along with and NO one wants to date them.  just sayin'. 

i suppose the key is balance.  finding a way to relate with those around you while maintaining your individuality. allowing yourself to commit with the understanding that no matter what happens, you will get through it. supporting each other's individuality. that's it. something like that.

the second part of the quote talks about compassion and doing things with no expectations.  considering it's the christmas season, what better time to be kind to those around you, even if they're not kind to you?

i used to work in a halfway house and my clients would complain about how some of the guards would treat them. they'd whine and complain about how "unfair" life is and how just because they "made a mistake" people treat them like crap.

to which i asked them, "what do you get out of this?"  i asked them what was achieved by them harboring the negativity, holding onto the anger, spewing out bad energy and contributing to the negative vibe around that place. 

no one really had an answer, other than they felt justified in their anger. but what good does that do? does it "hurt" the guard because you're mad at him and you think he's an a-hole? no. does it make you feel better about your situation? no. do you feel good now? no.

so what's the point?

just to feel bad i guess.  no one seems to come up with a different answer. it doesn't matter who you ask or what their situation is.

compassion: being kind with no expectation of anything in return.

this is when i told my clients to be sincerely respectful to the guards with no expectations.  they did NOT like this suggestion. but really, what else was in their control other than their behavior, thoughts, and feelings?  NOTHING.  because they're just like the rest of us. this is all any of us have control over.

i heard some great stories about how attitudes and feelings changed. the moment they became aware of what was coming out of their mouth, they changed it, and felt better about what was going on around them. all with no expectations of the guard's behavior.

in this instance it's not about getting someone to treat you differently.

it's about you.  it's about how you feel about yourself.  and chances are, if you're mistreating others, you're mistreating yourself as well.

i would have challenged the guards to do the same thing with the residents. although...they never asked about this particular issue. i can't imagine why... :)

in personal relationships, we do have expectations on how we should be treated. i would encourage anyone who believes that they're being mistreated to change their circumstances.

but how many times do you do something just because you're a nice person? i'm not as nice as i'd like, but i really enjoy doing things for others. it makes me feel happy.

i have fallen victim to the expectation of reciprocation though, and that just leads to resentment or that suffering and agitation he was referring to.

man, there's so much stuff in that one saying that i could go on and on forever. 

thank you dalai lama, you smarty pants you.

relationships....shipsssss....

relationships. bah. i know right? it's just a topic that has presented itself over and over a bit lately so i thought i'd compile my completely unoriginal ideas all in one place. 

i have friends in relationships, friends looking for relationships, friends wanting to punch their significant others...just kidding.  sort of.

all kidding aside, the one question that keeps arising is "what is wrong with *me*?"

i have the most beautiful, talented, funny, smart and capable friends.  all of which would probably admit that they've tried to answer this question at one time or another. 

why does this question keep coming up?  because the same thing keeps happening over and over to everyone.  we get into a relationship, and then...it ends.  but WHY???  wahhhhhh!

the outcomes never change, because the approach never changes (we may say we're doing things differently, but old beliefs die hard peeps).  the old join-a-gym-get-a-haircut-rearrange-the-living-room-furniture-then-everything-will-be-better approach. doesn't really address the problem, does it?

how many times have you sent a friend a late-night text asking them to point out exactly what is wrong with you because your latest dating adventure didn't pan out? okay, maybe that's just me.  *shifty eyes*

or if you're really insecure, it's several late night texts. because when you're in that place, you're "the problem". he/she left because he/she didn't like YOU. he/she didn't want to be with YOU. there must be something wrong with YOU.  it's so clear. and to hear people talk about it, you can tell that they've convinced themselves that they aren't good enough for some yahoo they met 3 minutes ago. i've done it. every girl i know has done it. i'm sure dudes do it too.

did anyone watch the last season of "the bachelorette?" there was a part in the end where one of the three guys left ali for an old girlfriend and she had this breakdown on camera wondering what was wrong with her. apart from being incredibly bubbly there isn't anything wrong with her. she actually looks like a barbie and has a college degree.

can i just say that when that jerk left her that she still had two incredibly attractive and successful men waiting for her. she obviously loved this frank guy, which to this day, i still don't understand. really ali? at one point it was frank over chris? over roberto? REALLY? good thing she picked roberto because i was really beginning to wonder about her in the end. i'm still not convinced that frank is straight...he wears v-neck shirts with nothing underneath. like, looooow v-necks.  the only person who is allowed to do that (and is also straight) is simon cowell. because he has more money than god and can do whatever he wants. this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it just bothers me.  and it's my blog.

so what is wrong with her? or with anyone who's ever been dumped (hopefully not on national television)?

nothing. there is nothing wrong with anyone. simple eh?

i also got this from the guy at work. don't tell him though. i don't want him to know i learned anything from him (don't insinuate anything about my feelings towards him either, that ship sailed sunk shipwrecked loooooong ago.

i know what some people are thinking.  what does she mean that there's nothing wrong with anyone? well, there isn't. we are what we are. that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there that drive me nuts. it just means that we're fine the way we are and if someone doesn't love us, that has more to do with them than anything.

anyways, back to relationships and how does this possibly relate to the university?  in the secret it instructs people to make "room" for that lasting relationship. one example was the young lady who cleaned out half her closet and started sleeping on one side of the bed, in order to connect with the feeling of being in a relationship already.  ask, believe, receive and all that hoopla.

that's all fine and good. i'm all for being open and letting the university know you're lookin'.  there seems to be a piece missing though. but i don't think finding a relationship is hard.  now staying in one?  being your own person in one? finding a healthy partner?  those are different things entirely.

i've observed that people often end up in unhealthy relationships for few main reasons.

1. they can't stand being alone.
2. they're looking for someone to "complete" them (whatever that means).
3. they don't know what they want so they can't see it when it shows up.
4. they don't believe they deserve what they want so they make exceptions, sometimes at the risk of their own personal, mental, emotional, and sexual safety.  

it may be counter intuitive, but the first step to finding a lasting healthy relationship, is to be healthy yourself and sometimes this means spending some time alone.  challenge all those beliefs that are in your way.  don't know what they are? make a list.  what are your biggest barriers? i'll share mine.

it was me. i believed i wasn't good enough.  for what, i don't even know anymore. it was just combination of things that ultimately lead me to think that i didn't deserve what i wanted, which lead me to abusing myself for what? not being good enough. it's nuts.  i'm a work in progress and i regress often.

get to know yourself!  i'm sorry for all the analogies, but does everyone remember the movie "runaway bride" and how she didn't even know what kind of eggs she liked because she always ordered whatever her current boyfriend was ordering?  it's true!  figure out what kind of eggs you like for hell's sakes! take your time and learn to love yourself unconditionally. i'll admit, this is a hard one.

the second step is to figure out what the heck you want in a partner.

it looks like many people approach relationships  like that edgar allen poe story about the monkey paw. someone wishes for a loved one to come back to life but what they get is a crazy scary zombie version of that person? they act all surprised because the person wasn't brought back to them in perfect condition.  whaaa??

was the paw supposed to know that you wanted your loved one back in one piece or like, not dead? it grants wishes, it doesn't read your mind. it's going to take you literally.  as does the university. :)

if you're not CLEAR about the desire, then don't complain about the outcome. now if i say i want roberto and frank shows up, i can send him back because that's just not what i ordered.

how do you do this? who knows. journaling? list making? i'm a fan of sticky notes. fill pages up with all the wonderful things you want in a partner.  connect with that person even if they haven't materialized yet. they exist, they just haven't arrived.  when you get discouraged, look back at those pages and feel close to that person again.

easier said than done i know. everything on this blog is easier said than done.

not gonna lie. :)