Wax on, wax off....

Little therapist tidbit for ya's. 

About this time of year in 2010, I was thinking about looking for a new job.  I enjoyed my old one but I needed more security. The university knew I'd need some assurance that I was making the right decision and in group one night, I received it.

If you know therapists, you know we're all about experiential learning and conducting activities that make our clients think a little deeper than they're used to.  

If you know anything about me, you know that Dave Matthews is one of my very favorite musicians.

So, I naturally look for ways to combine the two. 

One of the simplest activities is to have people choose a piece of music and share it with the group. They talk about their decision making process, why the music is important, why the lyrics are important, what it reminds them of, and most importantly, how it makes them feel. 

'Feeling' is almost a cuss word sometimes.

Sometimes I participate, other times I do not.  It depends on how many actually remember to bring their assignment.  If someone forgets, I'd always have one for a back up.

In this particular case, I chose the song "Save Me," by the one and only Mr. David J. Matthews.

Driving through the desert I met a man
Who told me of his crazy plan
He’d been walking there for 20 days
He was gonna walk on for 20 more
I said, “How ‘bout a drink or a bite to eat”
He said, “No, my faith is all I need”
So then, save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can

You don’t need to prove a thing to me
Just give me faith make me believe
C’mon save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “Stranger if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger if you please
Or am I too far gone?
I said, “to get back home”

How ‘bout you take a ride with me
We could kill some time, shoot the breeze
He said, “every whispering wind and second counts”
Oh, maybe if you walk but you should drive around

Save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “stranger, if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger, if you please
Or am I too far gone?
To get back home

I don’t need you to stop the sunshine, no
I don’t need you to turn water into wine, no
I don’t need you to, to fly
I’m just asking you to save me

(You might try savin' yourself)
I'm gonna save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
I swear those lips shine
(You might try savin' yourself)
As it, the, the moon it shines
(You might try savin' yourself)
Why don't you, save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Come on and save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Oh, oh, oh, oh
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
Save me, save me

It's a catchy tune.  It's upbeat, a tad jazzy, and it has some unexpected surprises.  I do a mean air...drummer...to it.  That'd work better if it was air guitar....air drummer?

 

I had an idea of the points I wanted to make. Have faith, or something along those lines.

But I never thought they'd interpret it the way they did. 

After it was over and we got through the "crickets chirping" phase of group, it was a young guy who said something like, "That kind of reminds me of you. You try to save us but maybe it's time for us to save ourselves." 

*These are not his exact words. But because he was giving an observation about me, I'm free to share it. Another observation about me: one time someone chose me to represent their "snotty older sister" in a family group.  What does THAT say about me eh?*

What the what now? I probably did a double take, like the ones you see in cartoons.

He had heard something even I had missed.  I was trying to relate it to them but I never thought they'd relate it to me. 

As a therapist, we are very likely to lose ourselves in the problems of our clients, often forgetting to find balance and peace in our own lives. The funny thing is that the client doesn't expect that level of "commitment." The client expects a healthy and well rounded person to assist them in whatever they're trying to learn or do. I was not taking care of myself. I was immersing myself in the problems of others.

Basically, what he did, was give me permission to leave.

The student becomes the teacher. :)




And just for fun: 

dear university

i know you're busy and all, but i have a bone to pick with you.

this illness thing that you're putting me through is getitn' OLD friend.  i'm still coughing, my back is still jacked, and what the hell was up with yesterday? so nauseous that i have to leave work early and then sleep for 16 hours? really?

what's the deal? i'm tired of feeling like crap.

i want to clean my house.
i want to paint my walls.
i want to finish my projects.
i want to go out with my friends.
i want to do my friggin' laundry and wash my dishes without having to ice my back afterwards.

i'm not in the mood to be positive here.  i just need you to cut me some slack. please for the love of pete, cut me some slack.

that is all.  get the lead out.

"I've been thinking my BRAINS out!"

This has got to be one of my most very favorite mom quotes EVER.  

Of. All. Time. 

She says stuff like this all the time.  It's full of humor and wisdom and it's rarely on purpose...the funniness, not the wisdom.

The wisdom is always intentional. :)

This 'mom' quote comes to me when I have a problem I can't solve.  When I have one of those buggers that just won't give me any peace whatsoever. 

Situations in life often bring me to that place. That place of "what the hell is going on?"  And "why for the love of all that is holy do people not see this the way I do?" 

These are technical terms.  Didn't you know that all therapisty terms have the swears in them? They do.  The DSM IV is just code for "how to figure out what the eff is wrong with everyone." They just don't tell you that. 

In a handy little update today, don Miguel (are we on a first name basis yet?) Ruiz said this:

In a relationship, there are two dreamers, with two different dreams.  You need to accept the differences that exist between two dreamers; you need to respect each other's dream. 

**In the book "The Four Agreements," he talks about life being a dream because most of what we see and believe isn't real. It's been clouded by others passing on information/beliefs to us without our knowledge and consent. If you haven't read it, it's awesome. And short. I'm not a reader and I could read it over and over again. **

Oooookayyyy....but what if i think the other dreamer's dream...is ....well, stupid?  What if I think my way is better?

*sigh*

I'm going to admit something.  I think that things I don't like are dumb.  Sometimes I think things are dumb just because they're not the way *I* would have done them.

There, I said it. 

Am I the only one who feels like that?  I believe it's mainly due to lack of understanding. So I try to be mindful and not judge someone and their "dream" but sometimes...I struggle. 

Then today, while on my lunch break, as I was walking out of PetCo with a bag of cat food under one arm and a sack of newly purchased yarn in the other....I stopped right in my tracks.

How lame is that visual?  Really? This is my life? 

Yup.

I'm willing to bet that there is someone out there who thinks my life is dumb.  I am a cat lady; the transition is almost complete.  I need more cats.  Pretty soon I'll resemble Eleanor Abernathy. 

Read her bio, it's riveting.  

What was I saying? 

Oh yeah, people and their dreams...

What the don says is true.  It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you're referring to. Whoever is involved has an idea or a vision of how things should look or play out (they probably think their way is also the best way).

This judgement (that I get stuck in all the time) leads to misunderstandings, arguments, and resentments.  It's like the story when two people are driving down the street and the chick goes, "are you hungry" and the dude goes, "no" and keeps driving. By the time they're at their destination, the woman is pissed because she was hungry and the guy was supposed to know that.

• The parent who forces the little kid to dress a certain way: different visions.

• The couple who say they're not going to spend any money for Christmas and then one does and it pisses the other off: different visions.

• The boss who wants things a certain way yet you're convinced that you can save time and money by doing it your way: different visions.

What's missing?

Understanding. 

Lack of understanding -> increased resentment -> What?

Acting out.

How often do we do things in spite of others because we know they don't agree?  Because we know our way is the best way?

So, let me 'splain. No, there's too much. Let me sum up:

• Point numero uno: I have a vision. But nobody knows that unless I tell them.

• B: I don't know what your vision is unless you speak up.

• 3rd: Our respective visions may be totally different.  But that doesn't make one better than the other. 

• And lastly, how often do we insist that others understand us (without questioning), all while not putting forth any effort to understand others? I'd venture it's a lot. 

Random thought:  Sometimes what is actually best for us is not best for the other in the relationship.  Sometimes the best solution is to not be in the relationship anymore. Some self reflection and possibly a therapy session or two with a trusted friend or therapist can help you tell which is what and what not.  Heaven knows that most of us have stayed in relationships (professional, personal, whatever) for longer than we should have.  Perhaps we thought we were being unreasonable or that understanding would come in time. Perhaps we thought that that person would come around to our way of thinking. Sometimes, the dreams are just too different to be compatible.  There's nothing wrong with that either. Just thought I'd throw that out there. 

Lil' somethin' to think about there...

Now....how to make people understand my love of yarn....and how in the hell do I learn to appreciate *everything I think is lame*??

Side note: my bff's dad is going in for surgery tomorrow. Sending love and good thoughts!

Like Debbie in the movie "Knocked up," we're going to be positive positive positive!

But I don't suggest that anyone drink 3 red bulls in 15 minutes...

really?

remember those songs on sesame street that taught us about being nice and sharing? i have decided that there should be a sort of "sesame street" for adults that teaches us to not act like 2 year olds.

Tucson tea party founder says Giffords to blame for getting shot

here's the my beef:  why in the world do people insist on blaming victims for acts of violence?

i don't get it.

"if you weren't wearing that skirt, then i wouldn't have raped you."

"if she had had more security, of course the someone would have been able to read that guy's mind and could have stopped him from walking up and pulling out his gun and shooting her in the head."

"it's not the gunman's fault that he chose to purchase a firearm and aim it at a human being and then pull the trigger."   seriously?

i'm not even irritated that this guy is a member of the tea party. i don't care what party you belong to.  security, no security, whatever.  do you really think that if he didn't do it that day, that he wouldn't have kept on going until he succeeded? come on.

NO ONE GETS TO SHOOT SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HEAD FOR ANY REASON.

why does this seem to be brand new information for some?

can i get that in a song? because common sense has escaped the masses.

let's recap:

we don't get to ram the a-hole who cuts us off on the freeway.
we don't get to put our hands on anyone without permission.
we don't get to shoot people if we disagree with them.

and last but not least:
we don't blame victims for the choices of their perpetrators, regardless of the circumstances. 

what a jerk.

ahhh, the douchebaggery....

okay, not everyone sucks.  but really, a lot of people do.  and i find that i'm not surprised or phased when someone chooses to do something disappointing.

amidst my recent discussions about the suckability of some people, i have found myself clinging to the fact that when someone turns out to be a douchebag (both men and women can demonstrate douchebaggery) this is only 1 of 7 billion people on the planet.  i instantly feel better after i remind myself of that. 

but why does it keep happening over and over again? in my life? to my friends? to my family?

why do people continue to be selfish and demonstrate a complete lack of consideration for others? particularly for people that they claimed to love at one point?

i don't get it.  is it entitlement, is it selfishness...should "douchebaggery" be put into the DSM as a identifiable illness?  where are the parents of these people? is douchebaggery genetically passed down from one generation to another? is it in some people's DNA? are there classes offered somewhere? where does it come from and why WHY do people think it's okay to behave this way?

i'm beginning to wonder.

i'm not saying we don't all make mistakes. we do. i do. everyone does.  but when will we ever learn from them?

it's so disappointing.  but it doesn't shock me anymore.

that's the most disappointing thing of all. 

if i understood, maybe i would feel better but i don't. and i'm tired of the old excuse that men can't understand women and vice versa.  when did that become a viable reason for mistreating someone for your own gain?

yeah, i'm judging. but in the world of me, that doesn't make any sense.  i can't wrap my head around the idea that it's okay to take advantage of those around you for any reason (because you're selfish, because you want to 'hurt' someone, because of instant gratification). 

and for those who may read this and tell me i'm judging, you're right.  but it's not about the person, it's about the behavior and the choices.  how does someone conclude in their head that this is okay? am i the messed up one? did i miss that memo?

and for those of you who may read this and tell me that i don't understand because i've never *insert what you will here...been married, divorced, had kids, been cheated on, been shot in the face....blah blah blah*...shut it.  manners, thoughtfulness, and consideration of others are UNIVERSAL.  you know what else is universal? abuse, manipulation, and exploitation. i'm so sick of the "you don't understand," defense.

ummm....perhaps it's you that doesn't understand. 

jeebus, denial is a powerful thing. 

how we treat others is a pretty good indicator of that kind of people we are.  it also says a lot about how we feel about ourselves.  if someone is hurting others, i'd bet money that they're abusing themselves as well.

i hope and pray that when i feel as though i'm entitled to behave badly, that i stop and make a better choice.  not just for those around me, but for myself.  what kind of person do i want to be? do i want people thinking about me that i'm thinking about this guy....or that girl....or this or that organization?  no. i don't need that negative energy. i know i sound like a broken record, but i need reminders like everyone else.

note to self: check myself often.

and now the question:

are you a douche bag? or does the douche stop here?

the few that make it worth it.

i read the obituaries every day.  does this make me weird?  i can't be the only one who does this....

i do this for 2 reasons:

number 1: every now and again, i'll happen upon a couple who had been married for over 60 years and then died within a few days of each other.  it reminds me that we are all connected.  what would it be like to not be able to literally keep living because your loved one has gone? it's romantically tragic. or tragically romantic.  either way, that's some deep shiz right there. 

it reminds me of what life is really about. 

love. connection.

to be in love 60 years ago must have been such a different experience than it is now.  people were truly...committed.  i don't know many couples today with that level of commitment.  divorce wasn't the immediate solution.  i see it a lot with my clients now as well.  when i speak with a someone who is caring for their spouse ("because that's what you do after all these years"), my faith in commitment is renewed. 

*this doesn't mean that i think once someone is married that they should stay that way if they're unhappy.  in many cases, divorce (like marriage) can be a great blessing. suck that poison out people, if that's what you gotta do.

number 2: often, i find someone i know.  i spent 6 years as a practicing therapist. that's actually not that long of a time now that i think about it.  really, the length of time is irrelevant.  i was a therapist. one who had many opportunities to see some pretty great things. i'm often in awe of humans who create big huge giant piles of crap and then proceed to dig their way out of it.  it's pretty cool. the sad part is that sometimes these people die.  i suppose looking at the obits gives me the opportunity to give thanks to those who have taught me so many lessons.

lessons not just in my career, but as a human being.  people suck sometimes, they do really hurtful things. but to take responsibility for that and move on is more powerful than i think we realize.  sometimes a simple apology will do it, other times they have some serious amends to make.  but each time, somehow, it all works out. 

my clients always asked me how i knew it would "work out." 

errrrr.....i don't (i don't know anything more than anyone else).  i just choose have faith and believe that people can change, no matter what they've done (that is, if they want to...). so when someone walked into my office and told me how they created the situation, i always knew that it would work out.  sometimes it hurts a lot and there is a lot of damage and it might be really scary, but it will work out.  everyone can move forward, despite the past. 

things are working out right now. now matter what we're facing. 

tangent.  back on track. obits.

recently, i came across someone i knew professionally. someone who completely changed their life. someone who could spot someone else's bullshit faster than even i could (because that's what a therapist really is: a professional bullshit caller-outer). someone who had made some mistakes (a huge ones) but never denied making them (not in an "anti-social" way, but in a "i really screwed up and i need to make it right" way). someone who played many different roles (parent, child, sibling, employee, client), all beautifully.  someone who chose to do the right thing and to be happy, even though others continually questioned their motives and intentions (this is what happens when you lie a lot: note to self -- don't lie.  it makes life reeeeeeeeealllly hard). someone who finally got it.  so well, that this person doesn't need to be on this earth anymore.

someone who wrote me a thank you note.  a note that i'll cherish even more because i was allowed to watch (wow, that's a little voyeuristic...) the transformation. i get to say, "i was there when they did that!"

because i was.  and it was awesome.