grow from love...

...screw the world.  -first wives club


back to the point of this post: LOVE!


Be aware of the quality of your communication. The quality of the communication depends on whether you tune your emotional body to love or to fear. If you know what love is and what fear is, you become aware of the way you communicate your dream to others, and you can choose to communicate with love.


-don Miguel Ruiz

choose to communicate with love rather than fear. AND be aware of your feelings? because this affects how you treat others?


i think i understood that right.  

i don't think many of us know we make this choice about a million times a day.  each one affects ourselves and those around us and influences our emotional being.

my aunt jeneal died.  she was a perfectly fine woman.  i remember going to her house when i was little and begging her to give me a ride home from school.  i remember the little crocheted dolls that she used to make. they were mini, not just small.  they were tiny, under 4 inches.  with micro booties and underwear even.

but this is all i know about her. because somewhere along the way, my dad and my aunt got mad at each other and decided to stop talking to each other. it was like, 'i hate you and i'm not talking to you until i diiiiiiiiieeeeeee."  i tried to type that as dramatic as i could. did it come out that way?


because that's how they acted.  overly dramatic, "if you don't agree with me or fight with me, then you are dead to me." 

now they have all died.  there were five of them, none of them were good at communicating. not even communicating badly.  just bad at communicating period.  i sure hope they're making up up there because i have to say, that it was a little ridiculous. 

it was so stupid.

i wonder what would have happened if each of them had learned to communicate with honesty and love rather than judgement and bitterness.  there was a touch of self-righteousness in there as well. that didn't help matters. 

i'd have to say that most grudges, arguments, and miscommunication comes from the fear of not being good enough. if you think that someone will judge you (this matters when you don't like yourself very much), i imagine that you may do what is necessary to protect yourself.  maybe it's a loss of control too.  a combo deal perhaps?

not feeling good enough (fear)  + the need to be in control (fear) = really stupid behavior (more fear)

of course there are some circumstances in which you would choose to not communicate with someone because you love yourself.  but how often are things really that bad?  and do you even know what you're mad about? 99% of the time, we're not mad about what we think we're mad about.

all i know is that i hope my dad and his siblings (and possibly parents, i have no idea where their amazing abilities to remain angry came from) finally realize that most of their arguments were petty and dumb.  i hope they can appreciate other now. i hope that they are sorry for the things they said and did.

i hope they now value themselves enough to finally value each other.

i kind of wish it didn't take them all DYING for it to happen, but whatever.

and as cousin what's-his-name said to me today, "i really miss your dad."

me too.