you're addicted to love

You search for love outside yourself when love is all around you. Love is everywhere, but you need to have the eyes to see.  don Miguel Ruiz

i felt this was appropriate considering that valentine's day is almost upon us.  i love v-day.  i can't help it.  i love the gifts, i love the colors, i love the cards, i love the love.  

as a kid, v-day was a family day.  everyone got a valentine and we got to open it around the table (i have the best and most thoughtful mom ever).  

my dad however, was not so thoughtful.  he didn't conform to the traditional notions of love and thoughtfulness.  in his mind, if he bought you a blow dryer, then that counted as all gifts for the rest of the year.  he just didn't get it.  although, on valentines day of 1999, he came home with 2 red gift bags, each with perfume in them for my mother and myself.  he really was coming around in that last year.  i think he was learning to be at peace with himself.   i think it was hard for him to express his love for us because he spent a lot of time hating himself.   

i'd like to think that his eyes were opened. i was very grateful for a gift that was thoughtful (and not practical).  i was grateful that he had the insight to actually walk into a department store and purchase something for us, without having to be prompted and with the pure intention of expressing his love and appreciation for us.   i always knew he loved me.  but i needed to see it.  

that's what valentine's day is about for me.  do i whine if i'm single over v-day? sure.  but ultimately, i end up reminiscing about the adorable cards i get from my mom, friends, and my nieces and nephews.  i remember that i am loved.  

the idea that you must love yourself in order to love others is a little more difficult.  i often feel undeserving of the love i receive from others, but then feel resentful when i actually get it.  

damn you human condition.  

so, the challenge is to love yourself unconditionally and allow others to do the same.  it's difficult, but it can be done.  i think most people get stuck on the things that they don't like about themselves and then conclude that they don't love themselves because of these things.  that's just an excuse.  

i've used that one before.  "but how do i love myself when i...don't?

the reality is that love is available all the time, in spite of those things that we wish we could change.  or in my case, in spite of myself.  it doesn't matter how much i resist, it's always there....when i'm ready to see it.  

love and like are not the same thing to me.  besides, the information i receive from my life is that i'm lovable whether i like myself or not.  

so i might as well enjoy it right?