there are moments as a therapist where i wonder if anyone listens to me at all. and then, ta-da!  someone who was practically forced to be my client (they have no choice really when they're court mandated) reappears to tell me how great he/she is doing.

the world makes sense again and i'm reminded why in the heck i do this kind of work.

and it helps the ego too.  just sayin'.

i CAN therapatize myself!

People often expect the other person to respond first in a positive way, instead of taking the initiative to create that possibility. I feel that's wrong; it can act as a barrier that just promotes a feeling of isolation from others. To overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness, your underlying attitude makes a tremendous difference – approaching others with the thought of  compassion in your mind is the best way.  - Dalai Lama

so wise he is.

i like talking like yoda.

having expectations of our loved ones is something we all do. if i tell my mom that i'm having a bad day, i expect that she take care of me.

but what about those other things that are hard to talk about?

did i mention that i'm a therapist that often struggles with being emotionally honest with those around her?  i am. it's really difficult.  for a few reasons:

1. i feel i should know the answer already.
2. i don't like getting told what to do. i have had a few experiences where i try to be open and honest about what is going on with me, and the person i'm telling stops listening to me and starts telling that i don't need to be feeling that way and what i should do to fix it. 
3. i don't like hearing that i shouldn't feel a certain way because "so and so" has it soooo much worse that me. "just be grateful you're not me....her....that other person who's having a problem of some kind."

#3 happens to be my biggest pet peeve ever.  it's the easiest way to shut me down. so now you know the secret if you ever want me to shut up. hehe.

#2 and #3 really are the result of love. the people in my life feel bad when i feel bad and want that to stop. it's a natural thing.

i'm completely guilty of all three of these things. i've done them, i try not to. but we're talking about me here. :)

these past experiences have left kind of a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to expressing myself.  i now expect (see what i did there!) that whoever i'm telling will do something like this and i convince myself that it's just easier to suffer in silence. all the while, building resentment because i then feel as though no one cares about me or what's going on with me. because i won't talk about it....gah! it's a vicious cycle. 

(ps. what makes cycles vicious?  can we just call them 'unfortunate'? i'm not dying for crying out loud)

i expect people to react a certain way, and i end feeling disappointed because that's what i expected in the first place.

so what he's saying is: create a new experience. have faith in those around you. i've had several other experiences where i've been very open and have been given nothing but understanding and love.

a new thing that we all could try is finding a way to feel compassion for those who are hurting because we are. i often don't call my mom to tell her about hard times because she cries.

she cries because she loves me. but then i cry because she's crying and i'm crying right now becasue i'm thinking about her crying and my mom crying is the worst worst worst thing to experience for me.

but if we can all remember that it's all from love, then maybe crying isn't such a bad thing. as a therapist, i try to make people cry because it's real and it's very hard to deny your feelings when you're having such a significant emotional experience. maybe that's what we're trying to avoid all along.

hmm...i just had a thought. maybe people set the expectations to get out of being emotionally honest. maybe my expectation of disappointment is really about me and my fear of emotional honesty.

you know what that means? 1, 2, AND 3 are cop-outs.

i just blew your mind, i know.

i heart this guy

Dalai Lama

Even our physical structure seems more suited to feelings of love and compassion. We can see how a calm, affectionate, wholesome state of mind benefits our health and physical well-being. Conversely, the feelings of frustration, fear, agitation, and anger can be destructive to our health.  This is why we are impelled to seek happiness.

first off, i had to look up the word 'impelled'.  got that now.

it's no secret that this guy's a favorite of mine. look at his happy face!

i mean really folks.  i don't care what you believe in, that's the happiest lil' guy i've ever seen.  and all he wants us to do if friggin' relax already and do what our bodies were meant to do. just be happy. feel content. be grateful for what we have. treat each other with kindness and respect.

i grew up thinking life was a "test".  my struggles were sent to see how i handled them and, more importantly, what i learned.  when something bad happened, i it was for my own good. i thought that life was supposed to be hard. 

i'm wondering now how much my life was hard because i thought life was supposed to be hard as opposed to what it really is: an experience.  

i made a lot of things more difficult because of this belief, and i could have saved myself from a ton of grief.  hey, that rhymed.

i am not always able to do this. i complain a LOT. just ask anyone who gets long ranty emails from me in the middle of the day when i want to go postal. i still complain that life is "hard" and i'm tired of all the "tests".  but after i pull myself out of that (if i'm able to), it's so much easier to approach life this new way.

nothing is good or bad, it just is. and no matter what happens to me, i'm not the first person to go through it and i won't be the last.

man, i got off track again. he makes me think.  i try not to do that much, as it tends to make my head hurt.

back to the brilliance. i think i've talked about a book called feelings buried alive never die. this quote made me think of it. i do agree that if we don't take care of ourselves, our feelings manifest physically.

my favorite part of this idea is that human beings were not built to suffer. we were meant to be happy and calm. when we're not, we become sick.

when i feel anxious, i get sick to my stomach.  when i feel stressed out or overwhelmed, i get headaches and really tired.  i also get really tired when i'm sad.  it's like my body smacks me on the back of the head to get me to pay attention.

it doesn't always get my attention quickly and i often figure it out in hindsight, but i always come around in the end.

we'll always have those things that are out of our control. people die, we lose things that are important to us, natural disasters. but i've seen people even take these tragic things and turn them into experiences rather than perpetuating that "bad things always happen to us" attitude. 

their lives must be so much easier than mine.  hehe. :)

and just for fun, dave matthews and the dalai lama.

ahhh, that's good stuff right there peeps.

ships to the relations...

Dalai Lama

Hatred, jealousy and excessive attachment cause suffering and agitation. I feel compassion can help us overcome these disturbances and let us return to a calm state of mind. Compassion is not just being kind to your friend. That involves attachment because it is based on expectation. Compassion is when you do something good without any expectations – based on realizing that “the other person is also just like me”.

i get updates from the dalai lama on my facebook.  he's so hip and with it these days. in true 'university' style, it always aligns with the thoughts that have been most recently running through my head.

most recently, relationships. 

romantic, platonic, whatever.  it doesn't matter, they're all relationships.  the lady at the mcdonald's who hands me my diet coke every morning, we're in a relationship. and guess what? if she were to suddenly disappear, i'd miss her. 

the part of the quote that particularly struck a chord with me was the idea of excessive attachment.  i interpret this (because of my training) to mean enmeshment or perhaps some form of co-dependency.

i don't like the term "codependency." it gets thrown around a lot when people are describing their relationship problems.  it's actually a term that originates from the substance abuse arena, used to describe the behavior of the enabler in the addict's life. 

it does NOT mean that you're too dependent on your partner.  it does NOT mean that you rely too much on each other.

sorry, that just bugs me when people throw that term out there without knowing what it actually means. one of my pet peeves.

moving on. 

back to excessive attachment.  i heard dr. phil once say that we should never get into a relationship that we couldn't afford to lose. 

at first, i didn't understand what he was saying.  i interpreted it to mean that we don't allow ourselves to be completely open, that we protect ourselves from fully investing in our relationships. 

i know now that's not what he meant. 

what that means (to me) is that no matter what our relationship status, we should be okay. able to handle our lives, continue living. if someone walks away from me, i don't die.  and if i think i'm going to DIE without someone, then i'd say i'm getting way to close to the edge there. 

enmeshment literally means to entangle. it can happen in romantic relationships, paternal/maternal relationships, even friendships. i think this is what people are thinking about when they believe they're being "codependent." 

sorry, i can't let it go. it drives me nuts.  

enmeshed people are those who cannot function independently.  man, how many couples do we know like this? how many parent/child relationships do we see like this? i see it quite a bit, but my perception may be skewed as i work with them for a living....

when i see a person who is excessively attached to another, i have to wonder if they're basing their worth as a human being on that relationship.  i wonder if they like themselves, or if they enjoy spending time alone. i wonder if they have friends outside of this relationship and if they make it a point to spend time apart. i wonder if they know who they are.

i wonder a lot of things.

the opposite of the spectrum are those people who prefer to be alone, where no one is good enough for them. 

these people have a hard time with relationships because they're afraid of losing their independence.  *shifty eyes*  i've met a lot of men who do this.  for women, i've noticed it's more of a "i don't let other people tell me what to do" mentality.  of course, this is very general. it could also be that one is very difficult to get along with and NO one wants to date them.  just sayin'. 

i suppose the key is balance.  finding a way to relate with those around you while maintaining your individuality. allowing yourself to commit with the understanding that no matter what happens, you will get through it. supporting each other's individuality. that's it. something like that.

the second part of the quote talks about compassion and doing things with no expectations.  considering it's the christmas season, what better time to be kind to those around you, even if they're not kind to you?

i used to work in a halfway house and my clients would complain about how some of the guards would treat them. they'd whine and complain about how "unfair" life is and how just because they "made a mistake" people treat them like crap.

to which i asked them, "what do you get out of this?"  i asked them what was achieved by them harboring the negativity, holding onto the anger, spewing out bad energy and contributing to the negative vibe around that place. 

no one really had an answer, other than they felt justified in their anger. but what good does that do? does it "hurt" the guard because you're mad at him and you think he's an a-hole? no. does it make you feel better about your situation? no. do you feel good now? no.

so what's the point?

just to feel bad i guess.  no one seems to come up with a different answer. it doesn't matter who you ask or what their situation is.

compassion: being kind with no expectation of anything in return.

this is when i told my clients to be sincerely respectful to the guards with no expectations.  they did NOT like this suggestion. but really, what else was in their control other than their behavior, thoughts, and feelings?  NOTHING.  because they're just like the rest of us. this is all any of us have control over.

i heard some great stories about how attitudes and feelings changed. the moment they became aware of what was coming out of their mouth, they changed it, and felt better about what was going on around them. all with no expectations of the guard's behavior.

in this instance it's not about getting someone to treat you differently.

it's about you.  it's about how you feel about yourself.  and chances are, if you're mistreating others, you're mistreating yourself as well.

i would have challenged the guards to do the same thing with the residents. although...they never asked about this particular issue. i can't imagine why... :)

in personal relationships, we do have expectations on how we should be treated. i would encourage anyone who believes that they're being mistreated to change their circumstances.

but how many times do you do something just because you're a nice person? i'm not as nice as i'd like, but i really enjoy doing things for others. it makes me feel happy.

i have fallen victim to the expectation of reciprocation though, and that just leads to resentment or that suffering and agitation he was referring to.

man, there's so much stuff in that one saying that i could go on and on forever. 

thank you dalai lama, you smarty pants you.

i predict...

you guys know that facebook application called "fortune cookie" that is supposed to give you your daily fortune?  i'm sure there are many, but the one i keep coming across SUCKS.  it sucks so bad that i felt the need to capitalize 'sucks.'

the reason it drives me batty is that it doesn't give you predictions.  it tells you stuff that you already know.

i guess you may not know that if you have no common sense. but i find that hard to believe for most people...most people...

my fortune cookie today tells me "none of the secrets of success will work unless you do."

really???  fortune cookies that lack fortunes are probably one of my biggest pet peeves.  if they're going to give advice, then they should be called "advice cookies."  or "things you should probably keep in mind cookies" or "don't be an idiot" cookies. 

hmmm....i have an idea brewing....(and speaking of fortune cookies, one time tonya and i went to a halloween party in maryland.  i had had trouble with the shirt i was wearing and asked her if it looked okay.  when we got to the party they had...goodness, i can't remember what they called them...misfortune cookies?  and mine said, "i can't believe you wore that shirt." no lie.)

that said, the sound piece of advice from this fortune cookie don't-be-an-idiot cookie reminds me of something i already know, but perhaps needed to be reminded of. 

i'm not talking about hard manual labor, but more the work that it takes to do something that may be new to you, like being open. like challenging beliefs.  like doing one thing different every day.

emotional work. mental work. don't work too hard though, or you'll get a headache.

relationships....shipsssss....

relationships. bah. i know right? it's just a topic that has presented itself over and over a bit lately so i thought i'd compile my completely unoriginal ideas all in one place. 

i have friends in relationships, friends looking for relationships, friends wanting to punch their significant others...just kidding.  sort of.

all kidding aside, the one question that keeps arising is "what is wrong with *me*?"

i have the most beautiful, talented, funny, smart and capable friends.  all of which would probably admit that they've tried to answer this question at one time or another. 

why does this question keep coming up?  because the same thing keeps happening over and over to everyone.  we get into a relationship, and then...it ends.  but WHY???  wahhhhhh!

the outcomes never change, because the approach never changes (we may say we're doing things differently, but old beliefs die hard peeps).  the old join-a-gym-get-a-haircut-rearrange-the-living-room-furniture-then-everything-will-be-better approach. doesn't really address the problem, does it?

how many times have you sent a friend a late-night text asking them to point out exactly what is wrong with you because your latest dating adventure didn't pan out? okay, maybe that's just me.  *shifty eyes*

or if you're really insecure, it's several late night texts. because when you're in that place, you're "the problem". he/she left because he/she didn't like YOU. he/she didn't want to be with YOU. there must be something wrong with YOU.  it's so clear. and to hear people talk about it, you can tell that they've convinced themselves that they aren't good enough for some yahoo they met 3 minutes ago. i've done it. every girl i know has done it. i'm sure dudes do it too.

did anyone watch the last season of "the bachelorette?" there was a part in the end where one of the three guys left ali for an old girlfriend and she had this breakdown on camera wondering what was wrong with her. apart from being incredibly bubbly there isn't anything wrong with her. she actually looks like a barbie and has a college degree.

can i just say that when that jerk left her that she still had two incredibly attractive and successful men waiting for her. she obviously loved this frank guy, which to this day, i still don't understand. really ali? at one point it was frank over chris? over roberto? REALLY? good thing she picked roberto because i was really beginning to wonder about her in the end. i'm still not convinced that frank is straight...he wears v-neck shirts with nothing underneath. like, looooow v-necks.  the only person who is allowed to do that (and is also straight) is simon cowell. because he has more money than god and can do whatever he wants. this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it just bothers me.  and it's my blog.

so what is wrong with her? or with anyone who's ever been dumped (hopefully not on national television)?

nothing. there is nothing wrong with anyone. simple eh?

i also got this from the guy at work. don't tell him though. i don't want him to know i learned anything from him (don't insinuate anything about my feelings towards him either, that ship sailed sunk shipwrecked loooooong ago.

i know what some people are thinking.  what does she mean that there's nothing wrong with anyone? well, there isn't. we are what we are. that doesn't mean that there aren't people out there that drive me nuts. it just means that we're fine the way we are and if someone doesn't love us, that has more to do with them than anything.

anyways, back to relationships and how does this possibly relate to the university?  in the secret it instructs people to make "room" for that lasting relationship. one example was the young lady who cleaned out half her closet and started sleeping on one side of the bed, in order to connect with the feeling of being in a relationship already.  ask, believe, receive and all that hoopla.

that's all fine and good. i'm all for being open and letting the university know you're lookin'.  there seems to be a piece missing though. but i don't think finding a relationship is hard.  now staying in one?  being your own person in one? finding a healthy partner?  those are different things entirely.

i've observed that people often end up in unhealthy relationships for few main reasons.

1. they can't stand being alone.
2. they're looking for someone to "complete" them (whatever that means).
3. they don't know what they want so they can't see it when it shows up.
4. they don't believe they deserve what they want so they make exceptions, sometimes at the risk of their own personal, mental, emotional, and sexual safety.  

it may be counter intuitive, but the first step to finding a lasting healthy relationship, is to be healthy yourself and sometimes this means spending some time alone.  challenge all those beliefs that are in your way.  don't know what they are? make a list.  what are your biggest barriers? i'll share mine.

it was me. i believed i wasn't good enough.  for what, i don't even know anymore. it was just combination of things that ultimately lead me to think that i didn't deserve what i wanted, which lead me to abusing myself for what? not being good enough. it's nuts.  i'm a work in progress and i regress often.

get to know yourself!  i'm sorry for all the analogies, but does everyone remember the movie "runaway bride" and how she didn't even know what kind of eggs she liked because she always ordered whatever her current boyfriend was ordering?  it's true!  figure out what kind of eggs you like for hell's sakes! take your time and learn to love yourself unconditionally. i'll admit, this is a hard one.

the second step is to figure out what the heck you want in a partner.

it looks like many people approach relationships  like that edgar allen poe story about the monkey paw. someone wishes for a loved one to come back to life but what they get is a crazy scary zombie version of that person? they act all surprised because the person wasn't brought back to them in perfect condition.  whaaa??

was the paw supposed to know that you wanted your loved one back in one piece or like, not dead? it grants wishes, it doesn't read your mind. it's going to take you literally.  as does the university. :)

if you're not CLEAR about the desire, then don't complain about the outcome. now if i say i want roberto and frank shows up, i can send him back because that's just not what i ordered.

how do you do this? who knows. journaling? list making? i'm a fan of sticky notes. fill pages up with all the wonderful things you want in a partner.  connect with that person even if they haven't materialized yet. they exist, they just haven't arrived.  when you get discouraged, look back at those pages and feel close to that person again.

easier said than done i know. everything on this blog is easier said than done.

not gonna lie. :)

dear university,

thank you for all effortless resolution and understanding. i really appreciate it. :)

love,
kami

happy thanksgiving!

thanks giving. giving thanks.

i love this day. i love the food, i LOVE my family, and it reminds me of when i was little.

getting over the whole fact that we stole this country from the people that were already here, the spirit of thanksgiving remains the same.

simple be grateful for what you already have instead of pining over the things you don't.

easier said than done i'd say.

i learned a great lesson from a guy i used to work with. i was feeling upset for some reason and instead of telling me how to fix the problem (which probably didn't have a solution anyways) he said, "get grateful."

i thought, "that is NOT helpful."

however, after careful consideration, it became one of the most helpful pieces of advice that i've ever been given.

the reason is that the second that i find something to be grateful for, i pull myself out of the negativity that i'm swimming in. it's like magic.

there are times when it's harder to do, but it always works. it's one of the most tried and true tricks i know. i can't take credit for it, and he can't either because someone told him but it's worth spreading the word.

"get grateful."

we should do that today, seeing as it's thanksgiving and all. :)

a dose of reality

don't get me wrong. i really do truly believe in the law of attraction and the power of the university.

it's just that sometimes when i read what i write on here i want to throw up a little in my mouth.

i don't know how i became this touchy-feely feel good positive thinker, because it sure isn't all the time. there are times when i read what i wrote and wonder who actually wrote it...

it takes a lot of work and conscious effort for me to stay positive. so many clients have said "this stuff must come so easy for you."

*shifty eyes* haha, yeah....surrrre. but really, i'm just tryin' to figure this shiz out like everyone else.

i'm a good faker. i really have to work at it. i'd venture that a lot of us (therapists or not) really have a hard time practicing what we preach. i may have just blown every therapist's cover, but really? let's get real. as humans (living in the US) we're trained to be negative. even if it doesn't come from immediate family, it comes from somewhere else. it's so easy to fall into that trap. i do almost daily.

this negativity and skepticism mostly comes out in my thoughts and feelings. i'm not actually mean to people. not intentionally, anyways. how sad is it that it's become second nature? back to the committed effort, where i have to remind myself that not everyone is out to get me and that most people are basically good and are just doing the best that they can with what they have.

blah blah blah. sometimes i want to kick my own bum for spewing the "therapeutic" rhetoric that we're all so used to hearing. sometimes it sounds so empty.

stay positive.

be positive.

feel positive.

gag me.

i want to tell people to take their positivity and shove it. i want to roll my eyes and tell the person in front of me that i'm full of crap and not to listen to a word that i'm saying. i wouldn't. in their heads they're probably thinking, "really? just be positive? thank you so much for that brand new information, i can't believe i didn't think of that before. this must be why they pay you the big bucks!" then i imagine that they are thinking about punching me in the face. which is what i want to do when someone tells me something i already know. *

in spite of the irritation, my training tells me that this stuff works. i have seen it. as hokey and feel-goody as it sounds, it really does. but sometimes i'm completely offended by it's simplicity.

feel good now?

done and done.

yeah, i'll get right on that.

i suppose there must be some balance between the two. feel whatever you're feeling and move forward. perhaps what the university should say is be honest, but don't dwell. i certainly don't posses the ability (nor the desire) to be happy all the time. that isn't real. those who tell you that they're happy all the time are lying. i do think someone can feel happy throughout every day, but i really don't think that it's constant. even at my saddest i can find joy. at my happiest, i can feel disappointment.**

what would i tell a client? i would say that sometimes things suck and that there's nothing wrong with that. just because we don't feel good doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong. if something has happened (death, divorce, assault, other kinds of trauma), then you will deal with it in time. all that jazz (this is the short short version, but you get the idea).

feelings. yeah, i hate those buggers as much as the next person but they will pass. nothing, good or bad, is permanent.

obviously, simple does not equate easy. i really wish it did.


*i just want you all to know that when i give advice, i know how it can sound. believe me, i'm irritated too.

**if you are happy all the time, please tell me what medication you're on....

raise your hand!

who here has heard of mama gena?

nobody? maybe shannon has because we hang out with the same group of people. mama gena is a woman who decided that she was fabulous and has made a living out of telling other women that they're fabulous too.

her main focus surrounds the notion of desire. any kind of desire.

we stifle our desires because most of the time they don't fall in line with what we think we should be doing. men do this as well. i think she even has a book for the dudes.

anyway, i get an email update from her everyday and i thought today's was pretty cool:

"We should banish our custom of deciding what we have is wrong. Surrendering to what you have and trusting that it is what you want now creates an opening for more to rush your way with unimaginable velocity."

- Mama Gena

that really falls in line with the law of attraction. how many things am i blocking because i choose to be disappointed in what i have now? i'm guessing it's a lot.

back to the thank you notes. :) today, as i was getting ready, i remembered how completely in love i am with my mid century dresser. i talk about it a lot on my other blog, but i can't help it. i adore it. it's probably unnatural to love a piece of furniture that much but i don't care. i heart it the most.

it's nice when the university drops the reminder right into my inbox.

it makes it so handy.

It's difficult to try to be what you are not. Being what you are doesn't require any effort. When you become wise, you accept yourself the way you are, and the complete acceptance of yourself becomes the complete acceptance of everyone else. ~ don Miguel Ruiz

Peru: The Dream of The Condor Sacred Valley Nov 22~Nov 29, 2010

such a simple concept. one that has always been true. but if you were raised like i was, to strive to "be better" it's easy to get caught up with the things you seemingly do or do not have.

how many of those things are even real?

my favorite part of this idea is the part that suggests that being yourself takes no effort. because really, do we have a choice? sure we put on different masks, play different roles, but it's always me at the end of the day. who else better to play me than me?

i'm just sayin'.

my fortune cookie on facebook told me today that i offer help and and advice freely.

first off, that's NOT a fortune. a fortune is a prediction. something that is going to happen. if i had opened it and it said, "tonight you are going to shannon's," i would have been astonished! because that's true! sadly, it would also be something that i already knew, but still...it's more of a fortune that telling me that i like to give advice.

but let me tell ya. i do! i DO like giving advice. sometimes, and this is something that i really struggle not to do, i offer it when nobody has asked for it.

so i'm sorry. if i've ever done that to you, please accept my apology. most of the time i really try to just listen and wait for someone to ask for my help. sometimes i just can't help it and i'm compelled to put my two cents in.

with regards to the university, i've been utilising the thank you notes more than ever this fall.

as i and my siblings (each of us have been presented with 3 different sets of challenges) attempt to make our way through the next 6 months, i'm finding it more and more necessary to simply just say thank you for everything.

not the challenges. i could do without those. and i'm sure we've all had enough "character building" experiences to last a lifetime.

but i am grateful for my family. it's small. we're not as close as i'd like. but they're there for me if i need them.

i am so grateful for my friends. a few in particular who know about my challenges and don't judge me. who i can tell my "crazy" thoughts to and they don't run away thinkin' i'm nuts.

i'm not nuts.

i'm just challenged. :)

these random thoughts have brought about this 'thank-you' note:

dear university,

today i am so grateful for the people that have been strategically placed in my life. my mom, my brother and sister, and my friends who know what a crazypants i can be and still hang out with me. thank you for their understanding and guidance. and i promise not to offer any of them advice unless they ask for it.

love,
kami

am i right or am i right?

so much angst in the world today. not that this is different from any other time...

in light of the troubles with the LDS church and the issues of homosexuality, i've found myself getting caught up in the negativity that is being spewed from both sides.

i've come to the conclusion (with the help of an excellent email conversation with one of my bff's) that this problem really isn't even about being gay or mormon. or being a gay mormon.

my observations is that it's about the need to be right.

the funny thing is, is that both sides are right. if i believe something, then it makes it true to me. so i'm right, right? if you believe something, then that makes this true for you, which in turn makes you right as well. right? if our perception is our reality, then there is no "wrong". there is just "different." there is your truth, my truth, his truth, her truth, along with the other billions of people on the planet. all are right. wrong doesn't exist.

i've fallen into that trap so many times. it's easy to do when you feel so strongly about something. it's easy to send a mean email, or leave a heated voicemail message, or stage a protest when we feel as though we're not being heard. we get offended (due to having our feelings hurt) and react rather than meeting our feelings with understanding. choosing our words and actions a little more carefully and with a touch more thoughtfulness could really alleviate some the issues of today (and yesterday. as i've also discovered, most men still believe it's 1950 and they get to call me sweetheart and stare at my chest).

takes me back to the 4 agreements.
be impeccable with your word. tell the truth and be kind about it.

don't take anything personally. nothing that is going on with others is about you.

don't make assumptions: always, ALWAYS get more information. how many times have i said something without knowing everything and then i look like an idiot? more than i care to admit....

always do your best. just keep trying.

and then the new 5th agreement, which happens to be the one i think we struggle with the most:

be skeptical of everything but learn to listen. keep in mind, that being skeptical does not mean that you don't give anything a chance. my interpretation of that is to mindful that there may be a different way of approaching an idea or a problem. and learning to listen, i think speaks for itself.

and it just so happens, that this was don miguel's quote for today, 10/7/10:
Everything I believe about myself is just a story. In my story, everything is about me, and it has to be that way because I am the center of my perception. The story is told from my point of view.~don Miguel Ruiz

what a cool statement. i see everything from my own eyes, i have no way of seeing what others see. so how presumptuous is it of me to assume that i know what others think or feel? or need for that matter? i'm especially relieved when i remember that i am only responsible for myself. along with learning to listen, this is important to remember particularly when you're dealing with those who believe differently.

with regards to the church/homosexuality debate, i certainly have my own opinions. mainly, let people enjoy their civil liberties, deal with their own "eternal salvation," and support every human in his/her own pursuit of happiness. you didn't think that you'd get through a whole post without me stating my opinion, did you? ha!

but i know that people don't agree with me. this is fine. but do we have to be so mean and hateful when expressing our beliefs/opinions? i talk for a living, i know that there are a million different ways of presenting one piece of information. i think these different points of view can exist while we all live peacefully together. not just in regards to homosexuality and religion, but with everything.

but when will people choose to do this?

you can find lots of 'feel good' stuff on don miguel ruiz's website. i highly suggest that everyone check it out. i certainly like to feel good! :)

sendin' love.

dear university,

thank you for keeping my friends and family safe.

love,
kami

dear university,

thank you so much for the extra income this month! it was more than enough to take care of a few things. keep it comin'!!!

love,
kami

dear university,

comfort everyone who is having a hard time. yes, you heard me, EVERYONE. that is all. over and out. 10-4.

I ALWAYS get asked how people get over things. Let me tell ya, there was no class on "teaching clients to let go of things" in college. If there was, I would have taught it to everyone I know, and used it myself. Or I would have changed it just a little, gave it a new name and made a bajillion dollars.

"How do I let *it* go?" Some people think that there is a magic formula or a series of steps that you go through, one after the other, and then you're done. I guess you could do it this way, but I don't think it will pertain to every situation. Other people get mad when you don't have the answer they want. Other clients get angry when they realize that they had the answer all along. Which is this: You will let go when your mind, body, and soul say that it's time.

You choose to let go when you're ready.

Personally, I can attest that this is true. My version of letting go often includes ignorance and isolation, which only make the problem worse. The next thing I know I'm having a mental breakdown because the guy at the McDonalds got my drink order wrong. Or maybe that's just me. Anyways, this is true. Being a Balmforth, I can see how this trait has been passed down to me. I can also see it in all my family members as well. However, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing that we are all so stubborn. Being stubborn also means that we assert ourselves and we protect the ones we love.

But what are the circumstances when my own stubbornness has added to the suffering that I was trying to avoid in the first place? EVERYTHING! I'm one of the most stubborn people I know. Not in every case, but certainly more times than not.
Sometimes I do think that I have had something implanted in my brain, so that people know what I'm thinking and what I'm struggling with. Turns out it's just the Law of Attraction. Who knew? The University knew I have having a hard time with this and dropped this little tidbit into my inbox.

"8 Ways to Stop Holding a Grudge." (beliefnet.com)

Hmm. What am I to think about this? So I asked myself some questions:

Am I holding a grudge currently? Yes.
Is it negatively affecting my life? Yes.
Is it something that I can live without? Yes.

Eff that.

Acknowledge the Problem
Figure out what it is that's causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue, you can then make a choice to move forward from there.

As you read these, you're going to notice that we all know how to do these things when our lives are going well. This one is obvious. However, even the simplest of things are rocket science when we are upset.

Share Your Feelings
A grudge can form when an issue isn't fully confronted. Without being judgmental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involve the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and are able to resolve the problem.


I HATE this one. My fellow therapists can attest, that trying to share your feelings with someone who is not a therapist, or who doesn't know how to actively listen, or who gets offended easily, SUCKS. Too many times, people offer me advice, tell me I should be grateful, or immediately get defensive and tell me everything I’m doing wrong when we're not addressing that issue. My biggest pet peeve is when people then tell you that your life is great and that you have nothing to be upset about. "Just be grateful you're not ME." GAH. That drives me nuts. It bothers me so much, that I don't share as much as I should. Because sometimes it can be such a hassle.

Switch Places
To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question is in a lot of pain. This doesn't justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is to not let go of a grudge.

When we are taking a look at our own resentments, how easy is it to see someone else's point of view? Do we even want to see that view? Maybe that's the first question we should ask. I'll be the first to admit that there are times that I don't care about the other person's point of view. Because I'm hurting and that's all I can see at the moment. I think that comes in time, if you let it.

Accept What Is
Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don't wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don't offer an apology, it doesn't mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.

It is what it is.

Don't Dwell On It
Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don't put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.

Chances are high that we don't have all the information. There are some people in my life who I will never understand. And that's okay. Everyone's different. And sometimes different is weird. But that doesn’t make it wrong. I can either be mad (without them knowing or giving a crap) or I can more on.

Look at the Bright Side
For every negative situation there is a positive. If you take this as a learning experience, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself and the other person. Choose to learn a valuable lesson or walk away with a better understanding that can help you let go of the issue and not resent the other person.

YAY! This is when we do get to look at all the good things in life! I don't know about you, but I have several great things going on in my life right now. I have a tendency to forget about them when I'm feeling down, but they're there and they're not going anywhere. Whenever I'm sad, one of my favorite things to re-read all the funny stuff my mom says. It takes me right back to the moment she said it, who we were with, and how funny we thought it was.

Let It Go
Letting go allows room for peace and happiness. A long lasting grudge will only drain you physically and emotionally and can surely affect your health. You will use more energy than you can imagine by holding a grudge than you will by letting go.

There have been a number of times when someone has asked me how to do this and I say, "I don't know, you just do it." There's no secret. When we're tired of being miserable, then we stop.

Forgive
Of course, forgiving doesn't mean you will forget the issue. It's just acknowledging your differences and accepting that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes we should learn from. Forgiving isn't the easiest to do especially when you've endured a lot of hurt and pain, but it's the only way to truly let go and have peace.

Notice that this last one doesn't say we get the exact outcome we wanted. This just means that I accept that sometimes I don't know best, and the University is aligning to give me what I truly want, which is peace and happiness. And as we all know, true forgiveness is not for the one who committed the offense.

dear university...

i am so happy and grateful that everything has turned out the way it is supposed to be. thank you for the peace of mind and the understanding everyone was able to find as we went through that difficult time. thank you for helping us find the courage to say the things that needed to be said, and express our feelings openly and honestly. thank you for love and safety.

which universe am i actually in?

the one i want to be or the one i think i should be? i'm not so sure these days. most of the time i am running around crazy like, forgetting things like i have 9 children. i assure you, i have no children. i can also assure you, that my brain does not work the way i think it should. which leads me back to my original question: where am i and how did i get here?

i'm confused.

there are parts i like. and then there are parts that i dislike. but are things this way because i made them this way, or is there an important lesson i'm supposed to learn (that i'm obviously not getting, hence the perpetual 'dear-in-headlights' look on my face) that i'm missing specifically?

choosing the universe in which i want to reside has proved to be a little difficult. nothing turns out the way i think it will, which leads me to question my whole "your life can be however you want it" philosphy. but if i didn't believe in this, what would i believe in? i have no idea. i have to believe in something, because the alternative isn't very appealing. believing in nothing makes no sense to me either. what i was taught as a child didn't fit, and there are some things i have learned as an adult that i can throw out. and now i'm rambling. sorry, i'm sunburnt and tired and really really don't want to go to work tomorrow. so naturyally, i decided to blog because it's the easiest way to get out of thinking about actually going to bed....

which universe am i in? there are several options that i can see at this point.
1. life is a test. truthfully, i've never fully bought this.

2. life is what you make of it. welllll, okay.

3. life's a bitch and then you die. this i can probably get on board with, easily these days.

4. life happens and you make the best of it. meh. like, natural disasters happen and we deal with those. this fits there. but there are so many other obstacles that people create for themselves. so this only applies in certain situations.

and my personal favorite these days....

5. i want their life. mine isn't good enough.

i'm sure there are more, these are just the few that i've operated under. recently, i've been catching myself thinking "i want a different life." have you ever talked to someone who thinks about driving his car into a ditch? or wishes for some other kind of life altering event? no i'm not suicidal, that's not what i'm saying. i have thought about those life altering events though. it doesn't hgave to be driving my car into a ditch. it could be winning the lottery. these are just examples, it could be anything. but i do think that having a "i want a different life" attitude lends itself to wishing for death. just something to think about.

anyway, back to wanting a different life. different how? i'm sure that it would include being thin, beautiful, and rich. and possibly not having to work full time. and an abundance of diet coke that IS good for your body. but now that i've thought about it, all i know is that i want a different life. not that this one isn't good enough....

my 'self help' education tells me that if i want something, i can make it happen. it also says that if i focus on the lack of whatever it is i desire, then this also hinders it's arrival. it also says to FEEL GOOD NOW. (except that i don't, this one is hard for me). so basically, i feel like i'm screwed either way. the more time i spend being sad about something i don't have, the further and further i push it away. but if i'm being emotionally honest with myself, i would say, "i'm feeling sad about ...blah blah blah." it's a catch 22.

so lately, the universe i've been occupying has not helped me to feel good, nor has it been providing me with what i want. i don't like that. i really don't buy into the whole 'life is a test' or 'life sucks and then you die' mentality. i really do think that life is what you make of it. the problem i'm having is feeling good about the life i have NOW, when it's not necessarily the life that i want.

phew. even after i read this again, i still don't make sense. does anyone understand or am i just talkin' nonsense?

i guess i need an attitude adjustment.

NEW ATTITUDE! isn't that a song?

feelings buried alive never die.....

truer words were never spoken. this is a good book. you should read it. i haven't read it for a while, but seeing as my stomach has been acting up lately, i should get back to it.

the four agreements

the idea of the university is not a new one. anyone who uses the power of positive thinking (isn't that a book?) uses the university and this other thing called the law of attraction, which basically states that 'like attracts like.'

pretty simple concept. but as always, simple does not equate easy.

there are several books out there that i love that help people take back their personal power and use it to create something different in their lives. my favorite is "the four agreements" by don miguel ruiz. i love love love love love this book. LOVE it. it talks about four fundamental ideas that can help free us from negative beliefs that we have about ourselves and the world around us. if we believe that the law of attraction really works, then our negative thoughts have helped us create whatever negative situation that we are facing.

that's a tough pill to swallow for most people. people, myself included, like to think that the bad things in our lives happen TO us. of course, the good stuff i'll take credit for. but the bad? that's just bad luck. misfortune. someone else chose to hurt us.

not true friends. i know, i hate this too. i'd much rather blame the ex boyfriend or the stupid job for my crappy life. but it just isn't so. i wasn't so pleased when i realized that i was completely responsible for my life. the good AND the bad. is that really that difficult of a concept? i'd venture that for most people it is.

example: a few years back, i had a client who decided it would be a good idea to start a relationship with his best friend's girlfriend. this client then got upset when this relationship didn't work out and this woman chose her boyfriend over my client.
because duh. if you think something is going to end, it's going to end. obviously, this was a belief he held, and he used what happened to affirm that he was not good enough and unworthy of love.

other common negative agreements that i hear all the time (and sometimes still have myself) are: i'll never be good enough. life is hard. i can't do anything right. people always let me down. i can't do this or that.

the four agreements are rules that help us redefine our expectations or beliefs we hold about ourselves. turning those negatives into positives: i'm worthwhile. things are easy for me. people come through for me. i can do whatever i want to.

you get the idea.

the four agreements are as follows:

be impeccable with your word. tell the truth! be honest with yourself and with others. duh. i say duh a lot. sorry. not really....

don't take anything personally. let me tell you, when i first read this i thought this guy was nuts. how can some things not be personal? if someone chooses to break into my house, how can i not take that personally? well, because i didn't make him do anything. i don't make anyone hurt me. i don't make anyone treat me well. no one does anything because of me. when i fully understood the concept, i was relieved. that means i'm only responsible for my own behavior, my own thoughts, and my own feelings. the difficult part is that now, no one else is responsible for how i think, feel, or act. no more "you make me so angry!" no more "the devil made me do it." that ship has sailed.

don't make assumptions. always always get more information. get the whole story. there is an expert from the book "loving what is" by byron katie that describes this perfectly. she tells a story about how he goes into the bathroom and sees a woman singing to herself at the sink. she thinks that this lady has a lovely singing voice. she then goes into the stall and sees that the toilet seat is wet. in an instant, her mind is racing until she has come up with this long story about how this singing woman is really a transvestite who has peed on the seat on purpose. she then flushes the toilet and sees that water is sprayed up onto the seat. what would have happened if she had accosted that woman for urinating all over the stall? she didn't have all the information. but we do allow our brains to run wild and the next thing we know, we've attacked someone for something that may or may not have even happened.

always do your best. ummm....just always do your best, with the understanding that your best is going to change moment to moment. i had great parents who understood this very well. my brother and sister and i are all very good at very different things. i consider myself to be the musical one, not so much the intellectual. so when i brought home b's and c's in school, that was great! because i was doing my best. i don't know what would have happened if i had brought home a d. but because i didn't feel pressured to be perfect, i was content with focusing on singing, rather than academics. and i chose to be an okay student. knowing myself, had i had all that pressure, i would have flipped them off and called it a day. but at any given time, whether it was a's or c's, my parents knew that that was what i was capable of at that moment. that doesn't mean there wasn't room for improvement. what it meant was that i was free to be me. and straight a's just wasn't my style. ask anyone who knows me, school was NOT my thing until i was in college. i'm still a little surprised they let me into college sometimes. but i was lucky to choose a field that looked at the entire student and not just your transcripts. a 3.2 average was good enough, because i was super awesome in real life. :)

there is a 5th agreement, but i have yet to read the book. i do remember that it's about learning to listen and to question everything. figure things out for yourself. which, i happen to think is a very good idea for just about every situation.

i think everyone should read this book. so get going!

i had this idea......

about, i'd say, 5 years ago, i believe i was standing in our office talking about this and that, when andria told me to 'put it out to the university!'

what does this mean you ask? well, she meant to say universe. that's the first thing to point out. but underneath that, it has come to mean so much more to me. sure, i giggle every time i say it and it's my intention to make others giggle when i say it, but it's so true.

so many times we think that we are out of control, or that we have no part in what is happening to us. we blame others, we take little responsibility, we also think that there is nothing we can do about it. the hardest part of this, is that when you figure out that your life is the way that it is because YOU made it that way, you are now responsible for it.

if your life is crappy, that's your fault. if it's great, that's your fault too. how funny that we are all so quick to take responsibility for the good things, but the bad? that's everyone else's fault.

this is something that i've noticed in myself, my family, and my work. i've noticed it in my friends, my co-workers, and clients. it's everywhere, i think we've been conditioned to think that we cannot make our lives better because we weren't responsible for making them crap in the first place.

this drives me nuts about myself!!! does anyone else notice this about themselves?

so i had this idea. a blog where i "email" the universe to let it know what i want and that i'm ready to accept it. now, of course, because everyone can read this, i'm hoping that everyone who reads it will participate, in whatever way you want. i have a tendency to jump around, using different methods. sometimes it's a wish, sometimes it's a thank you note where i pretend that i have what i'm wanting. other times, i want to tell the university to f*** off.

i won't of course, but you know what i mean. my humanness gets the better of me sometimes.

i'll get into other discussions of the universe and how i've learned to use it in my own life, in later posts.


lately, i've been thinking about my future. so, dear university, i'm grateful for the financial security that you have given me. i'm so abundantly blessed that i can do whatever i want, whenever i want.