I'm tired of other people's dreams.

My observations have lead me to the following conclusions.  I talk about them over and over again, because their truth seems to be continually reaffirmed to me on a daily basis.

1. Most problems can be linked back to the belief that one is never "good enough."
2. Most people have a need to be in control, but not the real kind. The kind that is an illusion.
3. Most people need to be right and prove to others that they are right and make people agree with them.

Today, my update from the don said this:  Respect each other's dream. In a relationship, there are two dreamers with two different dreams. You need to accept the differences that exist between two dreamers; you need to respect each other's dream.  -don Miguel Ruiz

Have you ever met someone who cannot "agree to disagree"?  This is often a hard thing for me to do.  I, like everyone else on the planet, have clear ideas on right and wrong, good and bad, and often think people are stupid misinformed if they disagree with me. I have expended a lot of mental energy not just trying to convince people to agree with me, but being angry when they don't.  I have lost sleep because of this stupid human characteristic.

Does anyone else do that?

Did anyone notice that he did not say "agree"?  Just to accept and respect.  What a concept.

The dream that the don is speaking of, is the experience that we each have as humans.  It's our perspective. It's a combination of our personality traits, along with what we're taught as children. Our basic human training.

I wish that this idea was presented to people at an earlier age. Kind of a "hey kids, did you know that you're going to meet a lot of different people in your life?  They may do some weird things but that doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them different.  What do you think you could learn from someone who is different from you?"

I can't tell you how many little kids I've worked with who thought that drinking alcohol made you a bad person.  Yet, here they are in therapy because they were sexually abused.  Go figure. Different "dreams".  Different realities.  I've had clients who thought it was okay to take things that aren't theirs.  Does that make it wrong? According to the law, yes. According to the person who is doing what they know, not so much. It's amazing how much understanding you can find in behavior if you just let the person tell you what they know to be true for them.  Whether or not I'm able to listen with non-judgement is the trick. Sometimes I can, other times....these things are really hard to listen to.

But finding that understanding takes way less energy than judging the person.

After all, I don't have to live their life. Just my own. Which, is what the title of this post is referring to. What a relief to know that I am only responsible for myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and my behaviors.

Being responsible for everyone is exhausting. And really really unnecessary. 

Ain't it the truth?

Have you ever had those experiences where had you just had the time, you could have thought of a really thoughtful and profound description of what is going on? An observation so poignant that the person you're speaking to lights up because they GET IT??

Me neither. I have to wait for a quote to pop up that eloquently says what I should have said.

Recently, the ideas of processes vs. events keep coming up in my discussions. Processing feelings, processing situations, and all those things that we wish would happen once and then we'd be done with them. Like, I wish that once I've cleaned my tub that it should stay clean forever.  I wish that I had gone through all 5 stages of grief and now I never have to be sad about that again.

Right? 

Oh, that's not how it works?  But that's how I think that it should work. It still doesn't?

Crap.

When it comes to matters of the heart, we commemorate with events.  Weddings, funerals, anniversaries, dinners out, presents, and what have you.  But you're celebrating a process.  Marriage, dying, birthdays, milestones.

Which brings me to today and thinking about all the troubles people in my life are having. And then I get this: 

A relationship can be a pressure cooker for communication problems because couples have a tendency to rest on their commitment, rather than invest in each other daily. -Mama Gena.

Whoa....she literally just blew my mind. I thought, "that was exactly what I was trying to say the other day when that person had that problem and they wanted it to be over and it never will be and this is why." 

I'm not married.  But I have relationships.  I have friends, family, and coworkers.  I participate in relationships all the time.  I've recently had the experience at work where I had to think about my response to a request that isn't my job. It went a little something like this.

"But that's not my job."

Well sure, if I go back to my job description (my commitment to my employer) and take a look at it, that thing isn't in there.  But if I recognise that I'm trying to help a client (and I'm invested in this relationship today), then it's in the best interest of myself AND this client for me to do what is asked of me in this moment.

See? Mind blowing.

In romantic relationships, I often hear people say, "haven't we already dealt with this?" Or "I can't believe this is coming up again." But what people don't see is that while the instigating event has come and gone (and may not even have a solution) the feelings surrounding the event will come up over and over again.

Even if you've "dealt" with it.  It's important to be aware when this happens that you're not dealing with the "problem".  You're having a feeling or your partner is having a feeling.  And feelings don't need to be fixed.  They just need to be felt so they can be released. We just don't like to feel badly so we pretend we're mad at something else to pull us out of that bad feeling.

What would happen if we all started processing our feelings rather than focusing on what has 'happened'?

One can only dream....



I heart radio.

Heal yourself, and your relationship will heal, too. If you can heal yourself, then you are going to be ready for a relationship without fear, without need. If you and your partner each work on yourselves, you will see how quickly progress is made.  -don Miguel Ruiz

If anyone here listens to X96, you'll know that they used to have the Psychic Margaret Ruth on to answer all of your love questions.  They stopped doing this for a while, and she disappeared. But now she is back! She and the Painful Circle (i.e. Kerry, Bill, and Gina) tell it like it is when people call in about their love and romance issues.

Most of the time, it's ends up that the caller is being stupid. They have no problem tell you that either, which is the best part.  It's nice to know that some of my ideas about relationships aren't just crap I make up in my head. Local celebrities agree with me!

But really, most of their input is sound and down to earth. Kind of like, if you don't like fish, then don't eat it.  Der. 

But one thing has always stuck with me, something that the love psychic herself always says:

It takes three things to have a successful and happy relationships: love, common vision, and two whole healthy happy people.

Love isn't really all you need.  You need all three.

The first two, seem to be easy enough to find.  You meet someone, you think they're neato, they want to get married and have kids too?  Ta-da! 

Whoa whoa whoa (or whoazers whoazers, as my mother would say), that just isn't going to cut it. I really wish it did.

But we live in a society where we're basically taught to hate ourselves.  Then we project our issues onto our partner and expect them to fix us or to magically make us love ourselves.  Overnight, if possible.

It seems counter intuitive to work on yourself to mend a relationship, but it really is the beginning step.  If we all took the time to be complete whole people prior to searching for a relationship, would we find anything different?

Yep. We'd find other people who are whole and happy. If we really get back what we put out, and we're miserable....it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why everyone is so unhappy all the time. 

My beef with this whole idea is that not a lot of people believe it.  Even though I've seen it work over and over again, both professionally and personally, people really do go about their lives feeling badly and thinking that there's nothing they can do about it.  And that it's not really their fault anyways.

Those of us who know this idea is true, then have to deal with all the negativity and projection that is constantly being spewed.  It's too bad that so many people don't know that they already possess everything they need to be happy.  Do they just not want to do the work?  Are they really not aware that they're unhappiness is self inflicted? Do they have several convenient scapegoats? 

I have a ton of scapegoats. My dad died. My boyfriend left me. My last job screwed up my finances.

I had nothing to do with any of it..... *shifty eyes*

If we're not able to be accountable for our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, then how can we move forward? This is the part where most get stuck. Because most of us, myself included, feel justified in every thought, feeling or behavior, regardless of whether or not they have merit. Because we think we're right, we push our "rightness" onto everyone around us, and then get offended when they don't agree. 

It's exhausting. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

This is opposite of true accountability.  True accountability includes not only being responsible for yourself, but being open to new ideas and opinions of others.  Trying to find understanding of how people have come to their own conclusions, when they differ from ours. Being respectful of every one's right to agree or disagree, without the need to push your ideas on them. Not judging or calling someone misinformed when they have a different opinion. 

They're not misinformed.  They've just had a different experience. 

How does this apply to relationships? In order to make changes, you have to admit that there's something wrong with the way you do things. That's not easy for anyone. Often times, one partner will see the need for work and the other will not. This creates a new dynamic, and a whole new set of issues. I've seen relationships end because one person decided to take care of themselves while the other did not. It's sad, but what's the alternative? Try to make some positive changes with someone there to tell you that you're never going to accomplish your goal?

To add to the don's message here, I'm just going to quote my mother.  Who happens to be the smartest lady on the planet (who may or may not have had a lot of therapy in her life):

It takes a hell of a man to be better than no man at all.

It works with women too. :) 

Is anything more true than that?  I have met so many people, and I have been one of these people before, who make exceptions in how they're treated simply for the sake of not being alone. We've settled for less because we don't think we deserve better.  We've all done it. It's time to stop. Be that healthy person. The people in our lives will either decide to hop on board, or they'll leave.  Which, as the don says, is a blessing.

Crazy not stupid....

By now I'm sure everyone has heard about this guy......

As I listen to the commentary about this man and his choice to publicly burn the Koran, igniting attacks in Afghanistan, I have to wonder how much of this (and all of the world's other problems) could be avoided if we didn't feel the need to insist that others see things the way we do, and not get offended when they don't. 

Of course, I think that the burning of the book was insensitive and disrespectful.  But above all of that, it was childish.  Do you remember being on the playground in school and getting picked on and the only good comeback you could come up with was, "Well yeah??? Uh, you're ugly!"

Ooooooooh, you sure told that kid, didn't ya?

Enter Terry Jones. "I don't believe in what you believe so I'm going to hurt you by doing something bad to something that you love."

DUMB.  That's what a child would do.

The violence it ignited was also tragic and unnecessary.  Books (or anything for that matter) can be replaced. The only thing that can't be replaced in this horrible situation, are the people that are getting lost in the crossfire.  All in the name of "being right."

I understand the book has meaning. But the physical book doesn't mean anything without the people who believe in it. Burning it doesn't make it any less meaningful. Burning it doesn't make you forget why you believe in it or what you've learned from it. Those people handed their personal power over to Terry Jones in a silver platter.

I know I'm certainly not in this situation and it's easy for me to make an observation. I suppose I just don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things.

What would have happened if Terry Jones had said, "Hey! I'm going to burn the Koran!!!"  and we said, "Okay."

I wonder.  I really do. If we would stop perpetuating the crazy, perhaps damage control would be a little easier.

And, I don't know, maybe less people would DIE.

Just a suggestion.

Did the 4 of you miss me???

And......I'm back!

Where did I go?  I have no idea.  My blogging love ebbs and flows these days.  Some days I can't shut up. Other days, I have nothing (valid or otherwise) to say.

It wasn't until I read this next quote that I felt inspired to share:

 

Every human is an artist, a storyteller with a unique point of view. When we see ourselves as artists, we no longer feel the need to impose our story on others or to defend what we believe. We know that every artist has the right to create his own art.  

-don Miguel Ruiz

Recently there has been a big hoopla over the liquor sales in the great state of Utah.  I know, when is liquor NOT an issue here? Never. It's just in the news these days. 

The idea is to shut down several liquor stores to "cut spending".  And now, this nutter wants to take beer out of convenient stores.

(I'm all for saving money, but why would you shut down an entity that's making money? To save money?  I'm confused....)

Now, believe me when I say, if you don't drink, GOOD FOR YOU.  Good on ya!  My experience tells me that it's expensive and probably causes a ton of unnecessary problems for people.  It helps us make stupid decisions and look like idiots, and this is when incriminating photos and videos end up on the interwebs. 

However, that isn't the point.

So I have a couple questions:

1. Is this issue really about alcohol?   It doesn't seem to be. The older I get, the more I realize that most people don't impose on others because they care.  It's simply because they believe they are right.  If you disagree, then you are wrong.  Or uninformed.  Or you just don't know what is best for you. 
2. Why is this even a problem?  When did it become so important to be in control?  When did it become okay to say that one person is right and another is wrong?

It's inspiring in a way that someone who believes so strongly that alcohol is wrong would go to these lengths. Okay, I can dig that even. I respect this opinion and everyone's right to have one.

The issue is simply that everyone does not share this opinion.

We're not talking about the problems that alcohol creates either. 

For example, some nut job will probably argue that if we're going to let it run free that we should just let everyone drink.  Let's just give it to minors then!  Well here's the thing.  There's medical research that indicates that our brains are not fully developed until our early-mid twenties.  So when I say that I don't support providing minors with alcohol, and that I support the laws that prohibit it, it's based on scientific fact.  It stunts physical and emotional development. It causes learning disabilities and issues with impulse control.  What we're talking about, is our adult right to put whatever we want in our bodies.  So should crack be legal? Why not? I'm still going to choose not to use it, either way.  There is also strong scientific evidence that indicates that using crack probably isn't the wisest choice for most people.

Those who are trying to make it about the alcohol will inevitably bring up drinking and driving or alcoholism and it's effect on families or some other such and such.  This indicates that these people are completely missing the point. No one is arguing that alcohol can destroy someone's life.  But so can work.  So can overeating.  So can depression. So can driving and trying to talk on the phone or use your iPod.

Where's the evidence that over regulating liquor decreases people's use, decreases people's decisions to break other laws, or increases other alcohol related issues?  I haven't seen any.  If you have, please let me know. 

In fact, human nature makes people want to drink more when you make such a big deal out of it.  Chances are, if you would just shut up about it, people wouldn't be so upity.  If you tell me I can't, I'm going to tell you to eff off and do it anyway.

How do people not know this? 

We have become so focused on finding solutions, that we jump the gun and create something that won't work. Guess who's fault it is if they drink too much and then go out and kill someone? That person. Not the bartender who sold him that last drink before he walked out the door.  Being drunk doesn't make you any less of an adult. 

Not to be all therapisty, but even in a DUI situation, alcohol isn't the problem...it's the symptom....just sayin'.

It's not about that. How many times have I said this now?

What I see, and what has been so eloquently stated by the don himself, is that if we paid more attention to our own stories, our own bodies, our own lives, we would finally feel fulfilled to the point that that need to impose our beliefs on others would be eliminated. 

Live your own best life.  Do what is best for you.

What a concept.  Live and let live.  Because who am I?

NOBODY.

And the only person I am an expert on, is me. For me to tell someone that the way they do things is wrong is completely pointless.  I can offer my point of view.  I can offer new perspective.  I can tell you what I'd do in any given situation. I can make observations and tell you what I think.  But none of this makes you wrong.  There is no wrong, there is no problem.  If there is no problem, then you don't need a solution.  It simply is.

If someone wants to drink, do drugs, work 80 hours a week, run 10 marathons, eat a whole pizza, have 4 wives, be homeless, or whatever, what right do I have to say their way is not the best way for them?

None.

None whatsoever.  When those choices begin to affect me, then I get to be a grown up and decide for myself how I am going to pariticpate. 

Because that's what grown ups do.

Passing laws based on moral beliefs that have little or no research to back up their effectiveness, is what babies do. 

But that's just my opinion....

Lessons, lessons everywhere....

Regardless of the language we speak, our intent manifests through the word. Through the word we manifest everything; we express our will, our intent, our love, and our faith, which are all the same thing.  -don Miguel Ruiz

The other day, after listening to my complaining, my mom said to me, "Stop puttin' that out there!"  Whaaaa? Has my mother been listening to me this entire time? I kind of felt like i was in an alternate university, you know, where people listen to me and my ideas and then believe them. Not that she doesn't listen....you know what I'm sayin'.  

Anyways, with her prompting, I was reminded that I had fallen victim to negativity.  And I was certainly "puttin' out there."

For the whole university to hear.

 

Again.  

For the bajillionth time.

 

REBOOT!

After this revelation, a few days later, someone then told me:

 "I love how positive you are!"

Aww, thanks dude.  It's a struggle. 

I mean, it's EASY!  Jeesh. I need to start catching myself quicker...

dear university,

thank you for bringing blessings of love and peace to myself, my family, and my friends.

love,
kami

Inner Conflict....

The degree to which you cherish yourself is the precise degree to which you will be cherished.  Have a cherishing thought about yourself, right now.
-Mama Gena

I love the way she talks. 

In every self help book, the experts say that the beginning point to making long lasting changes in your life is to learn how to love yourself exactly as you are.  To "feel good now." 

This means that even if you hate how you are, you must learn to love something about it in order to move forward.

I have seen this at work.  I have seen people learn to love and accept themselves as they are and then begin to move forward. 

But...

How easy is this to do? 

Here's my question: How do you learn to love something...that you don't...love?  Doesn't the university know you're full of crap? 

Somewhere, someone knows the secret to doing this and I really wish they'd share. 

Wax on, wax off....

Little therapist tidbit for ya's. 

About this time of year in 2010, I was thinking about looking for a new job.  I enjoyed my old one but I needed more security. The university knew I'd need some assurance that I was making the right decision and in group one night, I received it.

If you know therapists, you know we're all about experiential learning and conducting activities that make our clients think a little deeper than they're used to.  

If you know anything about me, you know that Dave Matthews is one of my very favorite musicians.

So, I naturally look for ways to combine the two. 

One of the simplest activities is to have people choose a piece of music and share it with the group. They talk about their decision making process, why the music is important, why the lyrics are important, what it reminds them of, and most importantly, how it makes them feel. 

'Feeling' is almost a cuss word sometimes.

Sometimes I participate, other times I do not.  It depends on how many actually remember to bring their assignment.  If someone forgets, I'd always have one for a back up.

In this particular case, I chose the song "Save Me," by the one and only Mr. David J. Matthews.

Driving through the desert I met a man
Who told me of his crazy plan
He’d been walking there for 20 days
He was gonna walk on for 20 more
I said, “How ‘bout a drink or a bite to eat”
He said, “No, my faith is all I need”
So then, save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can

You don’t need to prove a thing to me
Just give me faith make me believe
C’mon save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “Stranger if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger if you please
Or am I too far gone?
I said, “to get back home”

How ‘bout you take a ride with me
We could kill some time, shoot the breeze
He said, “every whispering wind and second counts”
Oh, maybe if you walk but you should drive around

Save me, save me
Mister walking man, if you can
C’mon save me, save me
I said, “stranger, if you please”
Save me, save me
Stranger, if you please
Or am I too far gone?
To get back home

I don’t need you to stop the sunshine, no
I don’t need you to turn water into wine, no
I don’t need you to, to fly
I’m just asking you to save me

(You might try savin' yourself)
I'm gonna save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
I swear those lips shine
(You might try savin' yourself)
As it, the, the moon it shines
(You might try savin' yourself)
Why don't you, save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Come on and save me
(You might try savin' yourself)
Oh, oh, oh, oh
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
(You might try savin’ yourself)
Why don’t ya save me
Save me, save me

It's a catchy tune.  It's upbeat, a tad jazzy, and it has some unexpected surprises.  I do a mean air...drummer...to it.  That'd work better if it was air guitar....air drummer?

 

I had an idea of the points I wanted to make. Have faith, or something along those lines.

But I never thought they'd interpret it the way they did. 

After it was over and we got through the "crickets chirping" phase of group, it was a young guy who said something like, "That kind of reminds me of you. You try to save us but maybe it's time for us to save ourselves." 

*These are not his exact words. But because he was giving an observation about me, I'm free to share it. Another observation about me: one time someone chose me to represent their "snotty older sister" in a family group.  What does THAT say about me eh?*

What the what now? I probably did a double take, like the ones you see in cartoons.

He had heard something even I had missed.  I was trying to relate it to them but I never thought they'd relate it to me. 

As a therapist, we are very likely to lose ourselves in the problems of our clients, often forgetting to find balance and peace in our own lives. The funny thing is that the client doesn't expect that level of "commitment." The client expects a healthy and well rounded person to assist them in whatever they're trying to learn or do. I was not taking care of myself. I was immersing myself in the problems of others.

Basically, what he did, was give me permission to leave.

The student becomes the teacher. :)




And just for fun: 

dear university

i know you're busy and all, but i have a bone to pick with you.

this illness thing that you're putting me through is getitn' OLD friend.  i'm still coughing, my back is still jacked, and what the hell was up with yesterday? so nauseous that i have to leave work early and then sleep for 16 hours? really?

what's the deal? i'm tired of feeling like crap.

i want to clean my house.
i want to paint my walls.
i want to finish my projects.
i want to go out with my friends.
i want to do my friggin' laundry and wash my dishes without having to ice my back afterwards.

i'm not in the mood to be positive here.  i just need you to cut me some slack. please for the love of pete, cut me some slack.

that is all.  get the lead out.

"I've been thinking my BRAINS out!"

This has got to be one of my most very favorite mom quotes EVER.  

Of. All. Time. 

She says stuff like this all the time.  It's full of humor and wisdom and it's rarely on purpose...the funniness, not the wisdom.

The wisdom is always intentional. :)

This 'mom' quote comes to me when I have a problem I can't solve.  When I have one of those buggers that just won't give me any peace whatsoever. 

Situations in life often bring me to that place. That place of "what the hell is going on?"  And "why for the love of all that is holy do people not see this the way I do?" 

These are technical terms.  Didn't you know that all therapisty terms have the swears in them? They do.  The DSM IV is just code for "how to figure out what the eff is wrong with everyone." They just don't tell you that. 

In a handy little update today, don Miguel (are we on a first name basis yet?) Ruiz said this:

In a relationship, there are two dreamers, with two different dreams.  You need to accept the differences that exist between two dreamers; you need to respect each other's dream. 

**In the book "The Four Agreements," he talks about life being a dream because most of what we see and believe isn't real. It's been clouded by others passing on information/beliefs to us without our knowledge and consent. If you haven't read it, it's awesome. And short. I'm not a reader and I could read it over and over again. **

Oooookayyyy....but what if i think the other dreamer's dream...is ....well, stupid?  What if I think my way is better?

*sigh*

I'm going to admit something.  I think that things I don't like are dumb.  Sometimes I think things are dumb just because they're not the way *I* would have done them.

There, I said it. 

Am I the only one who feels like that?  I believe it's mainly due to lack of understanding. So I try to be mindful and not judge someone and their "dream" but sometimes...I struggle. 

Then today, while on my lunch break, as I was walking out of PetCo with a bag of cat food under one arm and a sack of newly purchased yarn in the other....I stopped right in my tracks.

How lame is that visual?  Really? This is my life? 

Yup.

I'm willing to bet that there is someone out there who thinks my life is dumb.  I am a cat lady; the transition is almost complete.  I need more cats.  Pretty soon I'll resemble Eleanor Abernathy. 

Read her bio, it's riveting.  

What was I saying? 

Oh yeah, people and their dreams...

What the don says is true.  It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you're referring to. Whoever is involved has an idea or a vision of how things should look or play out (they probably think their way is also the best way).

This judgement (that I get stuck in all the time) leads to misunderstandings, arguments, and resentments.  It's like the story when two people are driving down the street and the chick goes, "are you hungry" and the dude goes, "no" and keeps driving. By the time they're at their destination, the woman is pissed because she was hungry and the guy was supposed to know that.

• The parent who forces the little kid to dress a certain way: different visions.

• The couple who say they're not going to spend any money for Christmas and then one does and it pisses the other off: different visions.

• The boss who wants things a certain way yet you're convinced that you can save time and money by doing it your way: different visions.

What's missing?

Understanding. 

Lack of understanding -> increased resentment -> What?

Acting out.

How often do we do things in spite of others because we know they don't agree?  Because we know our way is the best way?

So, let me 'splain. No, there's too much. Let me sum up:

• Point numero uno: I have a vision. But nobody knows that unless I tell them.

• B: I don't know what your vision is unless you speak up.

• 3rd: Our respective visions may be totally different.  But that doesn't make one better than the other. 

• And lastly, how often do we insist that others understand us (without questioning), all while not putting forth any effort to understand others? I'd venture it's a lot. 

Random thought:  Sometimes what is actually best for us is not best for the other in the relationship.  Sometimes the best solution is to not be in the relationship anymore. Some self reflection and possibly a therapy session or two with a trusted friend or therapist can help you tell which is what and what not.  Heaven knows that most of us have stayed in relationships (professional, personal, whatever) for longer than we should have.  Perhaps we thought we were being unreasonable or that understanding would come in time. Perhaps we thought that that person would come around to our way of thinking. Sometimes, the dreams are just too different to be compatible.  There's nothing wrong with that either. Just thought I'd throw that out there. 

Lil' somethin' to think about there...

Now....how to make people understand my love of yarn....and how in the hell do I learn to appreciate *everything I think is lame*??

Side note: my bff's dad is going in for surgery tomorrow. Sending love and good thoughts!

Like Debbie in the movie "Knocked up," we're going to be positive positive positive!

But I don't suggest that anyone drink 3 red bulls in 15 minutes...

really?

remember those songs on sesame street that taught us about being nice and sharing? i have decided that there should be a sort of "sesame street" for adults that teaches us to not act like 2 year olds.

Tucson tea party founder says Giffords to blame for getting shot

here's the my beef:  why in the world do people insist on blaming victims for acts of violence?

i don't get it.

"if you weren't wearing that skirt, then i wouldn't have raped you."

"if she had had more security, of course the someone would have been able to read that guy's mind and could have stopped him from walking up and pulling out his gun and shooting her in the head."

"it's not the gunman's fault that he chose to purchase a firearm and aim it at a human being and then pull the trigger."   seriously?

i'm not even irritated that this guy is a member of the tea party. i don't care what party you belong to.  security, no security, whatever.  do you really think that if he didn't do it that day, that he wouldn't have kept on going until he succeeded? come on.

NO ONE GETS TO SHOOT SOMEONE ELSE IN THE HEAD FOR ANY REASON.

why does this seem to be brand new information for some?

can i get that in a song? because common sense has escaped the masses.

let's recap:

we don't get to ram the a-hole who cuts us off on the freeway.
we don't get to put our hands on anyone without permission.
we don't get to shoot people if we disagree with them.

and last but not least:
we don't blame victims for the choices of their perpetrators, regardless of the circumstances. 

what a jerk.

ahhh, the douchebaggery....

okay, not everyone sucks.  but really, a lot of people do.  and i find that i'm not surprised or phased when someone chooses to do something disappointing.

amidst my recent discussions about the suckability of some people, i have found myself clinging to the fact that when someone turns out to be a douchebag (both men and women can demonstrate douchebaggery) this is only 1 of 7 billion people on the planet.  i instantly feel better after i remind myself of that. 

but why does it keep happening over and over again? in my life? to my friends? to my family?

why do people continue to be selfish and demonstrate a complete lack of consideration for others? particularly for people that they claimed to love at one point?

i don't get it.  is it entitlement, is it selfishness...should "douchebaggery" be put into the DSM as a identifiable illness?  where are the parents of these people? is douchebaggery genetically passed down from one generation to another? is it in some people's DNA? are there classes offered somewhere? where does it come from and why WHY do people think it's okay to behave this way?

i'm beginning to wonder.

i'm not saying we don't all make mistakes. we do. i do. everyone does.  but when will we ever learn from them?

it's so disappointing.  but it doesn't shock me anymore.

that's the most disappointing thing of all. 

if i understood, maybe i would feel better but i don't. and i'm tired of the old excuse that men can't understand women and vice versa.  when did that become a viable reason for mistreating someone for your own gain?

yeah, i'm judging. but in the world of me, that doesn't make any sense.  i can't wrap my head around the idea that it's okay to take advantage of those around you for any reason (because you're selfish, because you want to 'hurt' someone, because of instant gratification). 

and for those who may read this and tell me i'm judging, you're right.  but it's not about the person, it's about the behavior and the choices.  how does someone conclude in their head that this is okay? am i the messed up one? did i miss that memo?

and for those of you who may read this and tell me that i don't understand because i've never *insert what you will here...been married, divorced, had kids, been cheated on, been shot in the face....blah blah blah*...shut it.  manners, thoughtfulness, and consideration of others are UNIVERSAL.  you know what else is universal? abuse, manipulation, and exploitation. i'm so sick of the "you don't understand," defense.

ummm....perhaps it's you that doesn't understand. 

jeebus, denial is a powerful thing. 

how we treat others is a pretty good indicator of that kind of people we are.  it also says a lot about how we feel about ourselves.  if someone is hurting others, i'd bet money that they're abusing themselves as well.

i hope and pray that when i feel as though i'm entitled to behave badly, that i stop and make a better choice.  not just for those around me, but for myself.  what kind of person do i want to be? do i want people thinking about me that i'm thinking about this guy....or that girl....or this or that organization?  no. i don't need that negative energy. i know i sound like a broken record, but i need reminders like everyone else.

note to self: check myself often.

and now the question:

are you a douche bag? or does the douche stop here?

the few that make it worth it.

i read the obituaries every day.  does this make me weird?  i can't be the only one who does this....

i do this for 2 reasons:

number 1: every now and again, i'll happen upon a couple who had been married for over 60 years and then died within a few days of each other.  it reminds me that we are all connected.  what would it be like to not be able to literally keep living because your loved one has gone? it's romantically tragic. or tragically romantic.  either way, that's some deep shiz right there. 

it reminds me of what life is really about. 

love. connection.

to be in love 60 years ago must have been such a different experience than it is now.  people were truly...committed.  i don't know many couples today with that level of commitment.  divorce wasn't the immediate solution.  i see it a lot with my clients now as well.  when i speak with a someone who is caring for their spouse ("because that's what you do after all these years"), my faith in commitment is renewed. 

*this doesn't mean that i think once someone is married that they should stay that way if they're unhappy.  in many cases, divorce (like marriage) can be a great blessing. suck that poison out people, if that's what you gotta do.

number 2: often, i find someone i know.  i spent 6 years as a practicing therapist. that's actually not that long of a time now that i think about it.  really, the length of time is irrelevant.  i was a therapist. one who had many opportunities to see some pretty great things. i'm often in awe of humans who create big huge giant piles of crap and then proceed to dig their way out of it.  it's pretty cool. the sad part is that sometimes these people die.  i suppose looking at the obits gives me the opportunity to give thanks to those who have taught me so many lessons.

lessons not just in my career, but as a human being.  people suck sometimes, they do really hurtful things. but to take responsibility for that and move on is more powerful than i think we realize.  sometimes a simple apology will do it, other times they have some serious amends to make.  but each time, somehow, it all works out. 

my clients always asked me how i knew it would "work out." 

errrrr.....i don't (i don't know anything more than anyone else).  i just choose have faith and believe that people can change, no matter what they've done (that is, if they want to...). so when someone walked into my office and told me how they created the situation, i always knew that it would work out.  sometimes it hurts a lot and there is a lot of damage and it might be really scary, but it will work out.  everyone can move forward, despite the past. 

things are working out right now. now matter what we're facing. 

tangent.  back on track. obits.

recently, i came across someone i knew professionally. someone who completely changed their life. someone who could spot someone else's bullshit faster than even i could (because that's what a therapist really is: a professional bullshit caller-outer). someone who had made some mistakes (a huge ones) but never denied making them (not in an "anti-social" way, but in a "i really screwed up and i need to make it right" way). someone who played many different roles (parent, child, sibling, employee, client), all beautifully.  someone who chose to do the right thing and to be happy, even though others continually questioned their motives and intentions (this is what happens when you lie a lot: note to self -- don't lie.  it makes life reeeeeeeeealllly hard). someone who finally got it.  so well, that this person doesn't need to be on this earth anymore.

someone who wrote me a thank you note.  a note that i'll cherish even more because i was allowed to watch (wow, that's a little voyeuristic...) the transformation. i get to say, "i was there when they did that!"

because i was.  and it was awesome.

you're addicted to love

You search for love outside yourself when love is all around you. Love is everywhere, but you need to have the eyes to see.  don Miguel Ruiz

i felt this was appropriate considering that valentine's day is almost upon us.  i love v-day.  i can't help it.  i love the gifts, i love the colors, i love the cards, i love the love.  

as a kid, v-day was a family day.  everyone got a valentine and we got to open it around the table (i have the best and most thoughtful mom ever).  

my dad however, was not so thoughtful.  he didn't conform to the traditional notions of love and thoughtfulness.  in his mind, if he bought you a blow dryer, then that counted as all gifts for the rest of the year.  he just didn't get it.  although, on valentines day of 1999, he came home with 2 red gift bags, each with perfume in them for my mother and myself.  he really was coming around in that last year.  i think he was learning to be at peace with himself.   i think it was hard for him to express his love for us because he spent a lot of time hating himself.   

i'd like to think that his eyes were opened. i was very grateful for a gift that was thoughtful (and not practical).  i was grateful that he had the insight to actually walk into a department store and purchase something for us, without having to be prompted and with the pure intention of expressing his love and appreciation for us.   i always knew he loved me.  but i needed to see it.  

that's what valentine's day is about for me.  do i whine if i'm single over v-day? sure.  but ultimately, i end up reminiscing about the adorable cards i get from my mom, friends, and my nieces and nephews.  i remember that i am loved.  

the idea that you must love yourself in order to love others is a little more difficult.  i often feel undeserving of the love i receive from others, but then feel resentful when i actually get it.  

damn you human condition.  

so, the challenge is to love yourself unconditionally and allow others to do the same.  it's difficult, but it can be done.  i think most people get stuck on the things that they don't like about themselves and then conclude that they don't love themselves because of these things.  that's just an excuse.  

i've used that one before.  "but how do i love myself when i...don't?

the reality is that love is available all the time, in spite of those things that we wish we could change.  or in my case, in spite of myself.  it doesn't matter how much i resist, it's always there....when i'm ready to see it.  

love and like are not the same thing to me.  besides, the information i receive from my life is that i'm lovable whether i like myself or not.  

so i might as well enjoy it right?   

let it go man.

Release the need to be right. When you believe something, you assume you are right. and you may even destroy relationships in order to defend your position.Let go of the need to defend your position.  --don Miguel Ruiz

i have been sick.  like rolling-around-moaning-stumble-to-the-bathroom-cry-when-i-swallow-because-it-hurts-so-bad sick.  

why is this important?  well, because it's given me time to think.  a lot.  i've also made a ton of crafty stuff, messed with my blogs, watched movies, and taken a lot of naps. 

but mostly, i've been thinking. 

i'm thinking about everything. my life, my situation, my relationships, my incredible stubbornness.  mostly, what i may be missing out on because of this stubbornness. 

i know i'm not the only one who's guilty for this intense need to have all the information.   this need for control, this need to be right.  nobody likes to be wrong.  it makes us feel stupid, it makes us feel worthless, and it can feed that "i can't do anything right" attitude that some of us hold. 

but what would happen if we opened our minds to the possibility that there are a million different kinds of right in this world? that our relationships aren't worth sacrificing for the sake of having the last word?

there are a few people (okay, only one person) that i'd like to speak to, mostly to apologize. 

but the problem is that they (this person) won't talk to me.  go figure. 

i can't say i blame them (this person). 

so in case you ever read this, i'm sorry.  i miss you.  i hope one day you'll sit down and have a conversation with me. 

and if not, that's okay too.  just know that i'm available for that. 

spaceballs: the search for more money

more money, more things.  and the continued pursuit of more money and more things. i find myself feeling disheartened more than i feel happy. i'm a tad disappointed in most people at the moment.  when i'm aware, it reminds me to be mindful of my feelings, figure out why i'm so displeased, and see if i can change it.

but i suffer from "nothing is ever going to change syndrome." or NIEGTCS, if you will.

**haha, try and read that out loud. i did and totally cracked myself up.**

people seem to be demonstrating an overwhelming sense of entitlement, selfishness and complete lack of consideration for others, all in this pursuit of getting more.  more what? it doesn't matter. things.  power.  control. 

i find myself suffering from it too.  from the client who thinks he/she shouldn't have to pay for anything, to the complete lack of tolerance/understanding of differences (religious and political), to the resistance of positive change, people lying about intentions when attempting to gain stuff, power, and control. sometimes i feel like all i do is complain about what is going on around me.  i can't tell you how many times i say, "i hate everyone."  i yell at people in my car, i feel rage when someone doesn't use their turn signal.

funny thing happened....the more i see it, the more i participate in it.  i need stuff.  i need power. i need control.

i then become entitled, selfish, and find myself having no consideration of others. i disappoint myself really.

and then, the dalai lama updates his facebook and tells me how to solve this problem:

In contemporary life, humility is more important than ever. The more successful we become, both as individuals and as a family, through our development of science and technology, the more essential it becomes to preserve humility. For the greater our material achievements, the more vulnerable we become to pride and arrogance.  --Dalai Lama

back to the basics people. gratitude, honesty, acceptance, humility (i think we often forget that last one).

because the more entitled and selfish i become, the more i forget what my purpose is.  i really don't think i was put here to have "things". 

i think my purpose is to have experiences.

i am so blessed right now.  i have been for my entire life. because i have always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people to laugh at (i mean with...*shifty eyes*), and family and friends that love me. 

oh yeah, and i have several coach bags. they complete me.

just kidding!

sort of....

it's not that i'm lazy...it's that i just don't care...

I feel that the moment you adopt a sense of caring for others, it brings you inner strength. Inner strength brings inner tranquility, greater self-confidence. Because of such attitudes, even when things going on around you seem hostile and negative, you can still sustain your peace of mind.

  --Dalai Lama

i think i've mentioned (a time or two) that i'm a therapist.  currently, i'm not working as a therapist.  because for a while there i was suffering from something called campassion fatigue.  basically it means that someone (a therapist) begins to care too much, they get over-loaded, and then they start to not care about those around them.  or about anything really.  i didn't care about anything. as a social worker (my current job title), i'm lucky to get paid to care.

**i am so fortunate to have the job i have now.

the university knew what it was doing.** 

so caring is kiiiiiiind of important. but i think we've all had those moments where we think "but i don't care about this."  anyone who has met me knows that this happens often.

i don't care about a lot of things.

i know how to cook but i don't care to.

i know how to make my bed every day, but i don't care to.

i get pissed about things i hear on the news but i don't care enough to do anything about it.

there are many things that i will be paying others to do for me in the future because i don't care to do them. clean my house, wash my car (okay, i currently do this one).

let's not forget the things i already pay others to do. i live in a condo where i pay fees so someone else has to do the landscaping. others remove my garbage and maintain my building.

i'm really quite spoiled. 

i've become, like most people, quite self involved and self serving.  because along with all this not caring about stuff, came the ability to not care about some human beings.

i know, that sounds bad.  but i really got to the place where i only had energy to care about my own well being. as i'm working my way back, i'm noticing what i was missing out on.   and the only way i know to deal with a problem is to acknowledge it, learn, and move on.

what i was lacking was basic human connection.  that coupled with a complete disconnect with myself, lead to me really missing out on a huge chunk of time. now as i help people (not in such large doses), i'm beginning to feel more and more of that connection. it's helping me to feel better about what i'm doing and increasing the desire to be available for others.

i still launch into dissatisfaction and annoyance as fast as ever. but i've challenged myself to sit and think about why i'm irritated and to meet that irritation with understanding. most of the time, i'm nervous about the situation or someone i *gasp* care about is being hurt.  or someone is just being a big dummy.  either way, i figure it out.

what's that you say? i'm not dead inside?  who knew!?  just kidding.  i always knew, i just wasn't paying attention.

what this cute man says about inner tranquility is right for me.  giving service, caring about others, connection is what leads us to peace and contentment. that is... if we're doing it thoughtfully and are mindful of our intentions. 

i don't know about ya'll, but i could always use some peace and contentment. :)

the don has spoken

Forgive others. Forgiveness is the only way to heal your emotional wounds. Forgive those who hurt you not matter what they've done because you don't want to hurt yourself every time you remember what they did.  When you can touch a wound and it doesn't hurt, then you know you have truly forgiven. 

-don Miguel Ruiz

in light of the new year and making resolutions and such, one of my personal resolutions was to let go of guilt, embarrassment, and fear.  i should add more.

to forgive.  to forgive whoever.  those who i think have hurt me, those who i think have made stupid decisions, my apartment building for not having a pool.  you know, the important things. 

and for those of us who love to swim in our suffering, just know that what he says is true. every time we allow ourselves to get angry over something that happened in the past, we do ourselves physical harm.  we make ourselves sick.  

anyone have stress headaches? ME!

anyone get indigestion when they're anxious? ME!

anyone have to get their gall bladder removed because they couldn't express themselves fully? ME!

it does so much damage. 

don't get me wrong.  if you're angry about something, be angry.  but understand the fine line between processing and stewing.  

there's a big difference.  

i had a very good friend about 10 years ago, best friend even, who didn't call me when my dad died.  rude huh? 

i let that eat me up. first off, who doesn't call their best friend when their dad dies (okay, i may not be over it)? really? 

and secondly, were we not that good of friends? this prospect hurt more than anything. not only had i lost my dad, but i feared that this relationship that was very important to me was going away.  and it did, my fears were confirmed.  

but it's okay. i spent a lot of time feeling resentment towards this person.  but this person had moved right along with life.  so there i was, feeling badly, and there was no one to feel bad with me.  i was damaging myself. 

we often do this when we have expectations on other's behavior. if a good friend of mine lost their dad, i'd be there in a second. i don't know if this person was okay with death. i don't' know if this person even knew what to say.  i based my bad feelings all on assumptions.  

and like shannon says, "stop the assumings!!"  

forgive. let go.  you're not hurting the person who hurt you. you're hurting yourself.  sure it's easier said than done, but who said anything was easy?  

the only thing i find to be easy lately, is driving through the mcdonald's for a large diet coke.  easy as pie.